It is hard for me to admit as a man, and a proud, self centered one at that.  I have come to the conclusion that most of the arguments that my wife and I have are my fault.  I could very easily avoid the bullshit conflict.  The only thing it would take is me giving up my man hood.  Fuck that.  I am a man, and some times a piece of shit.  At the end of the day I love myself, and the man that I have become.  I shouldn't have to change for anyone, and neither should my wife.  It would be nice to have some give and take.  It becomes tough to give when you feel that all she does is take, take, take.  I am sure she sees things differently then I, but this is my blog.

The truth is that we both need to sit down, talk, and work all the small bullshit out.  After all the small things are straightened, the big stuff will find it's place.  At that point I am sure that the love we once had, the love which brought us together will come out again.

Hope it's soon.

Thanks for listening

Mavros69

They are actually referring to things and events that had happened in the distant past or even in the past past. This is even more so if they are arguing - they are digging up past events, things that were said before and past stories to justify their present stances, positions or arguments.

This is no good, this is prolonging the arguments and it just freezes everything up. It hardens further the positions of all parties involved in the arguments. It makes reaching an amicable solution harder. When they are using the past as the now, they are not allowing fresh viewpoints, new ideas to be introduced. They are not allowing any fresh air to come in and revitalise the fouled situation. They are actually holding on to their own positions and maintaining they are still correct. They are allowing the fouled air to blur the atmosphere even further. This is hardly opening themselves to listen to the others' ideas, viewpoints and arguments. They are not leaving the past to the past, they keep digging up the past and remembering past events without opening themselves to receive new information and feedback. They do not actually want a solution nor are they prepared to accept giving the situation a chance to mend. Their sole aim is to win the arguments.

So, next time when we say "Now..." let us mean really 'Now'.  Let the past be buried and remain buried!

As children , there is nothing much they can do about the war between their parents. It is best that they do not take sides and stay away and not witness the acrimonious fight which could escalate into violence and in some cases leading to critical injuries or death .

Children do not understand the issues of grown ups and should let their parents work out their differences. Sometimes it is due to too much stress from working too long hours and they have no outlet to de stress. Their feelings and emotions are on tender hooks and would fly off the handle on slightest fault or provocations. They will regret later but the harm is done.

There are some parents who lose control of their emotions, kill their young children and then commit suicide. This is very tragic and we can read such news often. They should seek help or counseling if they think they are unable to handle those life issues.

The parents should not fight in front of their children as this will affect their emotional and psychological upbringings. I do not believe in fighting and if you cannot stand each other or think that there is no more love , then you ought to find a peaceful way to co exist and if that is not possible , to live separate life's. Better to be alone and happy and the children will not face those sadness when there is a fight.

I believe that the women should know when it is time to shut up and not stoke the fire in him. Being physically weaker than him , she would only bring it down upon herself if she pushes him over the cliff.

It is not that he wants to hit or beat her up but her non stop vitriol could be the cause of him losing his control and going berserk. This is when he cannot control himself any more and lashes out violently as he cannot argue with the woman who barrage him with insults.This is a dangerous trait in a man. He sees it as the only answer to shut up the woman.

If you want to talk issues with the man , you would need to find the right time and if he raises his voice, you should shelf it and speak to him again in another appropriate time when he is in the mood to listen.

If you are a child and when your parents fight, go to your room and insert ear plugs or listen to some music . It is not a pleasant sight and it can be distressing but this is the adult world and there is nothing much you can do about your parents when they do not get along with each other.

They have fallen into the gutter and this is the only way they can communicate with each other. If they realized how it is affecting you , they should both go for counseling .

I had an big argument with Thérèse.  So big I lost my temper and actually through a few pictures around the living room.  I'm not proud of my actions, I haven't thrown things for years, but still there is no excuse for poor behaviour no matter what the cause.  During our argument  I lost my mind to the extent of pushing Thérèse who fell and hit her leg.  What the hell was I thinking of!

We made up a few hours later, but I feel like crap.  It's very very rare that we've been physical with each other in 13 years of being together, but I really did lose my temper that I was raging mad.

The other half of today was looking at my actions, disgusted with what I have done.  The last few weeks have been stressful times.  My wife shouts IMO needlessly at me.  I have been down and depressed.  Still no excuse for this mornings actions.

We both agreed we need to act better towards each other.  Any marriage is fraught with downs as well as ups; if you can handle the downs then the ups are worth being together for.

I myself need to handle myself in stressful situations.  I should move away if feeling that I'm becoming angry;  I have done that in previous arguments and it's worked, because it takes two people to cause an argument, if one moves away, you can't argue with yourself can you!?!

I must admit, I've been tempted to close down this blog, due to the posts being so negative, I've been getting down.  But I believe this is the right thing, to write these thoughts down.  If I cannot be honest, analyse my actions [especially of what happened today] then what am I?  Just another person who tries to pretend that nothing happened.  That everything is good, when the truth is, it isn't good is it.  It isn't good to lie to yourself.  I don't plan to do that.  I want to be a better man.  To be more mature, adult, responsible, and human.  But being human is to be angry?  Yes its one of many human feeling we have.  But it's how you deal with it at the time you are getting a feeling like that.  A differences between being a 'good' human being, and a 'bad' human being.  That's the difference.   I would like to think I am in the former category, or at least moreso.  Today I was the latter.  I don't want to be again.

En fait, c'est pas vrai que je n’ai pas le goût de chialer (faudrait vraiment que je pense à trouver un autre mot que "chialer"...ça fait gros sauvage me semble de tout le temps "chialer"...à l'avenir, je vais dire...euh...Donner mon opinion! ) mais bon..."donner mon opinion " dans le vide sans donner d'argument...ça ne sert à rien. Et des arguments, ça, j'ai pas le goût d'en trouver.

En plus, je me rends compte que j'abuse vraiment trop des points de suspension (...)

Hirald

The question is: would it work? I know that the converse is profoundly unpleasant (i.e., having perpetually unresolved issues that will inevitably lead to a fight if brought up), but maybe the "I Was Wrong" dance is too drastic a move in the opposite direction. Could it be exploited? Would someone willingly endure 90 seconds of embarrassment and discomfort in order to get away with things? I'm not sure, but at very least I'm convinced that it would cause individuals to avoid dwelling on past errors and to get used to admitting when mistakes were made. Both of these sound like pretty valuable lessons.

HIS POINT

4. Have Discussions not Arguments: When faced with problems and differences have a discussion that includes both people speaking about the issue and both people listening. Don’t yell, cut-off, or over talk him. Same goes for him. Men hate a nagging woman. The more you do this the more he will search for someone that doesn’t do that. And there are women who know how to have discussions without arguing. So make sure YOU are one of them.

MY COUNTERPOINT
No counterpoint. I completely agree. People also hate arrogant people who think they know everything and are above criticism. Likewise, people in general loathe folks who can't bare to be disagreed with. There's honestly no need for an argument, ever. Just pump the brakes, remain open-minded and relax a little. Just because it's not your personal opinion or perspective, doesn't make it any less valid.

Do you assume, before you have heard his/ her side of the story all the way to the end, that your son/daughter is at fault and tell the child off for putting you in a difficult position with maybe the teacher or school or neighbour?

Well, the good news is that we have found the problem.  Its you !!

Try this one: The next time your teen is upset about something that you consider minor, try to see it from the child's point of view. Adults and children percieve things differently, so avoid applying your judgements unthinkingly. Saying things like, "Stop making such a fuss," "It will pass," or "I can't understand why you're bothered by that" are no options in this game.

These are ruled out because they don't help the child to get over the issue. Instead helping him think through will help.

Also by listening to his side of the story, you show to the child that you take him seriously and respect his point of view, are treating him fairly and don't always assume the worst where he is concerned. All of this will go a long way in maintaining his self esteem.

Just a few Do's and Don'ts

• Assume the best of him not the worst.
• Let him tell you about his dissapointments, don't belittle him.
• In arguments between brothers and sisters, listen to everyone's story, then ask each one of them in turn to suggest a possible solution.
• A child may not always be looking for a solution, he may just need space to vent out and feel lighter. So keep your opinions to yourself unless asked for by the child. Please!!
• Do not assume the child is wrong if he has grievance against a teacher. Suggest he go to the counselor/principal to be heard in a neutral space.

"That was so funny when they corpsed in the middle of that routine," says Veronica.

I shake my head sadly.

There were these two guys on stage. One was dressed as a woman, which is irrelevent. They were both singing a song. One of them, the taller one I think - I was vaguely catatonic by then, and dreaming of an after show drink - got the words wrong. There was some kind of double-entendre involved. The performers found it funny, the audience found it funny. I, being a sourpuss of the first order, found it incredibly contrived. This little bit of business went on for several minutes, the laughter escalating everywhere except Seat D23.

"They didn't corpse," I tell her. "They get it wrong every night. On purpose."

"Well, it looked real to me," says Veronica.

I fold my arms at this point, and try to put a real big condescending look on my face because, sadly, that's the kind of person I am.

"It's part of the act. It's showbusiness," I conclude.

"How would you know?"

"Any fool," I say, "could tell they probably do it every night."

"Probably," repeats Veronica. "They probably do it every night."

"That's right."

I realise I have not been magnanimous enough. But now I have to know.

I am this far from getting tickets for another night. You can't see me but I've put my thumb and forefinger together. Hank Pym's bollocks couldn't fit in the gap.

This far.

But then I'd have to sit through all that singing and dancing again.

I can't believe that we're steadily approaching the big FIVE year marker.

J:  "It sounds long, but felt like it went by fast."

Each year of our relationship was in a completely different stage - literally and figuratively.  One year in undergrad together, the next year in a long distance, the third & fourth in LA together, and the final stretch now back in the Bay Area.  Each year carried its own particular set of issues and lessons.

While I would never want to repeat certain years again (ahem*second year long distance*), I'm grateful for the experiences as well as the knowledge that we were able to work through those times together.  I don't think a relationship can really grow until it faces some trials - those are the moments when you are forced to compromise with your partner as well as with yourself.  It truly tests your boundaries and expectations.

Number one crucial element that I've learned in a relationship: COMMUNICATION

Without effective and clear communication with your partner, everything can become a problem - listening issues, not being romantic enough, going out with friends too much, cleaning up around the house, or even what movie to watch on a Friday night.  And the frustrating part is that it probably could have been prevented had there been better communication.

I learned long ago that I needed to voice my expectations if I wanted them to be met.  I also learned to give up on the hope that he would just understand what they were just because he should on his own.  I discovered that the more I communicated clearly with him, the more he began to understand and anticipate my needs on his own.

For awhile, J couldn't understand why I would get upset whenever he failed to ask me questions.  He figured if it was so important, I should just be able to say so without waiting for him to inquire.  In a sense, that's true, but I want to feel as if he cared to listen.  Why would I waste my breath on someone who didn't want to listen?  Soon he realized that by asking me about my day or about something important in my life, it made me all the more receptive to happily share with him as opposed to feeling withdrawn.

In my relationship, reciprocity certainly paid off.  Both of us were willing to give in to adapt to the other person and, in the process, found ourselves wanting to do so because it made the other person happy.  I didn't think something so simple could have such a profound effect.

Yes, we still fight.  J and I are still completely different people - adapting to the other person hasn't changed our essential characters.  What has changed is the way we approach our disagreements.

A few weeks ago, we had a minor argument at a Thai restaurant.  It could have easily escalated (and probably would have in the past) if I chose to stay angry and give him the silent treatment for the rest of the evening.  Instead, I reached over and grabbed his hand.  His tightened shoulders immediately relaxed.  Of course, a tough discussion followed suit, but that small gesture melted part of the ice.

It took us nearly four years to work on our open and effective communication.  It's not perfect, but it's something that works for us.  There are still plenty of things I'm trying to figure out in this relationship, but I suppose that's what the fifth year is for.

The US Supreme Court Monday refused to hear arguments for a new trial for Mumia Abu-Jamal, a former Black Panther accused of killing a police officer who has become an icon for anti-capital punishment campaigners.

His lawyer Robert Bryan has already said he will seek to bring a second Supreme Court appeal -- on the grounds of racism... Read more...

I've been inspired by reading Sweetiegirlz intimate blog posts about her relationship with her husband, to go into my own thoughts on love and relationships, and where it all goes wrong. Sweetiegirl, if you're reading the rest of this post, it should not be considered to be a commentary on my thoughts on your relationship - it's general ponderings on the nature of all relationships.

A very good friend (who incidentally introduced me to Kiwi) taught me that there is a purpose to a history of seemingly pointless, ended relationships. These relationships aren’t a waste of time which could have been spent happily single never knowing the anguish caused, or in another relationship where it's all fluffy bunnies and rainbows.

It's so important to learn from both the experiences of your own relationships and those of others so that you understand the dynamics of a healthy relationship and are able to determine what is not. Every broken relationship is a rung on the step ladder to the relationship which sticks. The one in which you find The One and it's reciprocal.

Bad relationships, the relationships where you spend months hurting but keep holding on, the relationships full of broken promises, where every argument and let down chips away at your love until there’s too little left to give. These relationships teach you what you don't want from a partner. They can leave an indelible scar on your heart, that although will heal, will never let you forget your mistakes, so you wouldn’t, shouldn’t, couldn’t, make them again.

Good relationships, with partners who you can’t bring yourself to remember because you thought they were ‘The One’ - the relationship of which you can only remember good times, the little gestures of your partner, your song, how he used to leave gifts for you in random places - a creme egg in the bottom of your bag, or a letter inside your notebook, somewhere it takes days to discover and when you do it makes you smile all day. The relationship which ended when you weren’t ready for it, the relationship which you didn’t realise became one-sided when their feelings faded as yours only grew. Good relationships, where the break ups are the most painful and leave you wary of giving yourself to another person completely. Those relationships can teach you what you do want from a partner.

Although my history isn’t a lengthy one, with just 3 significant, broken relationships to speak of, they (along with the experiences of friend’s broken or faulty relationships) have led me to make a few promises to myself;

One reality, two perspectives.

I used to think that there was one reality, and that I knew it. Then I started to believe that there was one reality, and that we each had our own take on it, and that all of those viewpoints were valid.

Now I think that reality differs for everyone. I think that we each construct our own little worlds based on what we choose to see, what we choose to pay attention to, and how we filter that information. If you get into an argument with someone, it's pointless to argue about what "really happened", because our memories are clouded by the emotional weight we give to what we've chosen to see.

Or, the person that you are having a "conversation" with does not address the points you make directly. They seem to ignore what you write, even though you are careful to address every point they make and question they pose. Frustrating. In real life, I have given people books and they have not read them, given people things to listen to and they have not listened. Talk about being ignored, that is very frustrating.

Doctrinal issues are, perhaps, the most prone to this type of argumentation. There is nothing wrong with a good argument, as long as it's done in an atmosphere of love and respect, something that is sorely missing from our society these days. Soon, these arguments break down into one person, or both, questioning the salvation of another.

I have been involved in these discussions since the BBS days. Very few, perhaps 1 or 2 % in my experience, ever end up well. I have been guilty of doing all of the things I describe here, so I am not blameless. Yet the draw is still there, the old man still wanting to put the gloves on and go at it.

So I have made a decision not to argue with anyone who comments here. I will tell you what I believe, and ask you questions. As long as people are asking and answering questions, things usually go along fine. But that is precisely where things usually break down for me, and I get very tired of asking questions that go unanswered, or quite often ignored, and making points that are not addressed by the respondent. In light of that, here are some tips for responding to articles you read online, blog points, or even for normal, face to face conversations.

1. Read more that you type. Do some research into an issue before firing your guns. Be up to speed on what the core issues are, from both sides of an issue, not just an expert in your own opinion. Be well read.

2. Address the specific points and assertions made by the person with whom you are talking. There is nothing more frustrating to say something and be ignored. It only signals that you don't care, you just want to be heard and dominate the other. Not nice. In fact, it makes you look stupid.

3. Answer questions. If a person asks you a question, answer it. Or put another way, if you see this symbol >>> ? <<< that means the other person is seeking information from you, and you have an obligation to provide it, if you want to have a good relationship with said person. So answer the question, even if you think it's a stupid waste of time.

4. Keep your responses simple and short. No one has time to wade through a novel. Shut up once in a while and listen for a change. Who knows? You might learn something.

5. Don't give references to verses or outside works without the quotes themselves. Make it easy on the other.

6. Don't use profanity in comment boxes. It makes you look like a moron, and I just delete them anyway. And for people with blogs who allow comments, when you allow people to use profanity and do not moderate, it makes you look bad. People stay away.

7. Show respect and love for the other. Especially true for those in Christian circles. You can disagree without being mean or stupid.

So there you have it. My simple suggestions for posting comments, making arguments, and having conversations. I welcome comments and conversation, but I will not argue.

Until next time, peace in Christ,

D

So while I've got a free moment- I want to take a minute to get back to the basics. When I first started this blog, it was really with the intention of journaling everyday life of a married youngster who is trying to not screw it all up.

But with pollitic fever, most of my posts turned into my thoughts on certain topics. So, I would like to catch you up on what I've been up to since I last wrote.

I have:
-successfully finished all my homework making a B as well as my online test making an A for
anatomy class.
(Huge success as I failed anatomy in high school for not turning in my homework. I've
matured somewhat.)
-learned a few new recipes which I would like to share with you
-developed a new way to get the cooking and cleaning done in between work and school
-successfully cleaned my house.
(Also made it messy again.)
-obtained the first book of the Twilight series at the peer pressuring hands of my friends.
(Also learned from said friends that I need to finish the book so I can go see the movie in
late November.)
-learned how to play tennis.
(Isaac played varsity tennis in high school and has been trying to get me to play since we
first started dating. I actually took to it fairly quickly and am surprisingly addicted to it
now.)
-We played yesterday morning before work and then again at midnight. Fun!
-got in an argument with a friend about politics.
(We're all better now I think/hope. Argh.)
-balanced my checkbook.
-spent time with my sisters.
(One is eleven and the other is three. And they are a hoot. For example, the 11 year old
will kick my butt in the Wii while the three year old likes to play soccer)

All in all, I think it's been a pretty successful week!
So, I'll finish this post and go straight into another cause I think the two don't tie together. Hope your week went well!

I will like to introduce myself by saying who I’m… so let’s see… My name, of course is Karla Mariana Huerta, some ones call me Karla, others Mariana or Karla Mariana (well that’s really just an issue of Gerardo)… anyway, by the time I’m starting to publishing this site I’m 19 years old, and I’m a proud and distinguish Mexican… actually I’m just a proud Mexican, because at least till this moment I’m no one else but a student of 5° semester of International Relations, a hard worker (or a slave of the work) in the principal office for Latin America of  my school, and what else? Well if I had more time I’d gladly go to swim every day, but besides the cold weather, I have so many things to do that I have to make hierarchies about my activities. Maybe, if you’re taking the time to read this, you might wonder why if I’m a proud Mexican I’m writing in English?, well the answer is very simple, I love my language more than many other stuffs of my culture, but if something is understood for a lot of people around the world, doesn’t matter if they’re living in the middle east, in the middle west or just in some place outside of the occidental and stupid civilization it’s English, and I want that any person around the world gets to read this blog and criticizes it, doesn’t matter if it’s about grammar, if it’s about ideologies, arguments, agreements or disagreements, the only thing I want is to express my ideas, that someone can read them and the most important thing, to become into a more tolerant person, who respects other ideologies and ways of living.

There’s nothing else I can say that THANK YOU for reading my blog.

by Shaykh Rabee ibn Haadi al-Madkhali حفظه الله
on Saturday August 21st, 2004

Introduction

Indeed we are blessed to have with us our beloved Shaykh wa waalidunaa (and our father) Abu Muhammad Rabee ibn Haadi al-Madkhali hafidahullaahu ta'aala and he is indeed a well-known scholar. We ask Allaah to bless him in his knowledge, actions and his life. 

The Shaykh hafidahullaahu ta'aala began by praising Allaah سبحانه و تعالى and sending salaat and salaam upon the Prophet صلى الله عليه و سلم, his family his Companions and those who follow the guidance. He then thanked Allaah for this conference and for being invited to speak with us and he praised Allaah سبحانه و تعالى that He guided us to Islaam, and to the manhaj of the Salaf.  

The manhaj of the Salaf is (adhering to) the Book of Allaah سبحانه و تعالى and the Sunnah of Rasoolullaah صلى الله عليه و سلم upon the fiqh of the Salaf as-Saalih. He said, I order myself, and you with the  taqwa of Allaah عز و جلand the uprightness and firmness upon this Deen and upon this manhaj. Allaah سبحانه و تعالى gave us advice, and the advices are many and the orders are many; and from them is that Allaah سبحانه و تعالى says: 

Tawheed

And you must learn tawheed, the tawheed of Allaah سبحانه و تعالى – that we worship Allaah سبحانه و تعالى and we   do not associate partners with Him and we all hold together, fast upon this rope. The Messenger of Allaah صلى الله عليه و سلم said that "Verily Allaah likes for you three things: that you worship Him and disassociate anything as partners with Him; that you hold fast to the Rope of Allaah and do not split; and that you submit or you obey the leaders over you; and He hates for you three things: 'he-said, she-said' (irrelevant talk), persistent questioning, and wasting of wealth." [1] In this hadith and in the previous ayah there is a commandment regarding: holding onto the Rope of Allaah عز و جل, thabaath (being firm) upon that and the prohibition of splitting and dividing. 

He hafidahullaahu ta'aala went on to say that after the Sahaabah were split, Allaah سبحانه و تعالى guided them to Islaam and brought together between their hearts and put love between them. So Allaah سبحانه و تعالى has blessed and has given His favours to this Ummah. It is from the greatest blessings and favours which He bestowed upon us that He made us brothers, the  ni'mah (نعمة – blessing) ofaquwwah (أخوة – brotherhood) – the blessing of being brothers upon the Kitaab and the Sunnah and that we stay away from associating partners with Allaah سبحانه و تعالى. So, after worshipping Allaah سبحانه و تعالى Alone we come together as one, and we  forbid shirk and we order with tawheed. The aayaat and ahaadeeth are many to this effect, in these aayaat and ahaadeeth we are shown the danger of shirk. We must learn these aayaat and ahaadeeth, the proofs of at-tawheed and the proofs of shirk. 

'Ibaadah

We must also learn our 'ibaadah – how to worship Allaah in all types of 'ibaadah as Allaah سبحانه و تعالى says:

Sheikh al-Islaam Ibn Taimiyyah (Rahimahullaah) said that  "'ibaadah (worship) is a comprehensive term for everything which Allaah سبحانه و تعالى loves and is pleased with from speech and actions – apparent and hidden." There are many acts of 'ibaadah, from them are: du'aa, seeking help from Allaah سبحانه و تعالى, hoping in Allaah سبحانه و تعالى, asking of Allaah سبحانه و تعالى, having trust in Allaah سبحانه و تعالى, being obedient to your parents, keeping the ties of the womb, seeking refuge with Allaah سبحانه و تعالى from the Shaitaan and other than him, establishing the salaah, giving the zakaah, fasting, performing hajj and so on and so forth.  

The Importance of Knowledge

We need to study these 'ibaadaat, we need to study how they are done – from the aspects of tawheed and doing them sincerely for Allaah سبحانه و تعالى; and we need to  learn about shirk so we may stay away from it, and we need to know the halaal from the haraam, and again, all of this comes from the Book of Allaah سبحانه و تعالى and the Sunnah of Rasoolullaah صلى الله عليه و سلم and from the  fiqh(understanding) of the Salaf. 

This Knowledge is a great affair and the life of the Muslims cannot be upheld without it. Those that are deprived of it are deprived of everything, they cannot go forth. We have to take advantage of the knowledge when it is given and we have to  seek the knowledgeand strive for it.

The Messenger of Allaah صلى الله عليه و سلم said: " Verily, Allaah does not take away knowledge by snatching it away from the people but He takes away knowledge by taking away the scholars, so that when He leaves no learned person, people turn to ignorant ones as their leaders; then they are asked to deliver religious verdicts and they deliver them without knowledge, so they go astray, and lead others astray. [2] 

So take advantage of the 'Ulamaa before they die and take advantage of the knowledge while it is around. Take advantage of them, go to them, call them, ask them, and travel, travel for this knowledge. This Ummah is in great need of those who go out and seek knowledge sincerely for Allaah سبحانه و تعالى, these are few, we don't have many.  

We must know the fadl (فضل – virtue) of the 'Ulamaa (Scholars) and the fadl of those who seek knowledge, we must know these virtues. 'Verily the angels put their wings down for the student of knowledge in approval of what they are doing'[3] and Allaah سبحانه و تعالى says:

And He says:

And Allaah سبحانه و تعالى says:

We need this Knowledge more then we need water and air, we are in need of it because it is from this Knowledge that we understand why we were created. We need to find out why we were created, and this Knowledge teaches us why. The Shaykh hafidahullaahu ta'aala said  we must learn, we must learn the knowledge of the Prophet صلى الله عليه و سلم. We must go forth and seek it; we must take advantage before time runs out. 

Manners between the Salaf 

Then, if we have understood this Deen upon Knowledge, we become brothers upon this Knowledge, and this is the strongest bond that will be formed upon this knowledge – we will become brothers upon it. Be very nice with each other, be easy with your brother and do not try to be over him, be lowly (humble) and easy with him, and use wisdom and patience with him. Many of the  shabaab – the young men, have not been given this at all; and because of this they dispute between themselves. They have not been given patience and rifq(gentleness) and love between each other, and this has caused them to dispute and split apart.  

It is upon you to take the  asbaab – the reasons for coming together. From them is seeking the knowledge, giving the salaam, making your rows straight and being together in salaah; give much salaam and go over to each other's houses and be sincere with each other. 

And leave the fighting, leave the argumentation, leave it, throw it away – if it comes, throw it away. Leave cutting each other off, leave it! Leave turning your back away from each other, and if one of you thinks he wants to make  hajr of the other i.e. where you want to separate from your brother, then this is not the way. If you want to do this then you must have the correct asbaab  – the correct means which are clear and which comes from the 'Ulamaa – an 'Aalim (Scholar) that understands the benefits and the harm, an 'Aalim that differentiates between the person being upon the Sunnah or upon bid'ah. This  hajr is not between the Salafiyeen at all, we need to leave this. The Salafiyeen are those who follow the Kitaab and the Sunnah upon the understanding of the Salaf – 'Umar and 'Ali and Abu Bakr etc. رضي الله عنهم. This is what Salafiyyah is.  

Also from this, is that we become hareef – to hold on tenaciously, to the reasons, the means of becoming brothers; whatever means makes you get closer to your brother and makes that brotherhood stronger go forth with it, hold on to it and keep it going. 

As for the mubtadi' who is clear upon his bid'ah, calling to it, unwavering from it, not taking the advice, then when this is known you make tahdheer   (تحذير) i.e. you warn from him so that the people may not fall into this bid'ah that is clear and known. Warn from him, and give naseehah (advice) to the people to be aware of him and that this is a bid'ah, and leave him.  

As for between you, as-Salafiyeen – the people that are upon this  haqq, then know that there should be none of this, this is not allowed with you, this is not the way – you have to take the means and you have to take the approach that is correct for bringing together between the brothers so that you may love each other. Leaving each other and turning your backs is not the way, you have to take the correct  asbaab that you may come together. And you have to help each other upon this manhaj which you are upon, face your brother with the best face, and deal with him in the best manner; he is your brother, he is the one you deal with best. This will show the correct face of as-Salafiyyah, this will show everyone the true love, the true brotherhood, the correct face of this Deen. When you have come together, when you yourself deal with each other like this, then you have shown the correct Deen.  

The Prophet صلى الله عليه و سلم said: "Indeed Allaah is Rafeeq (Gentle), He loves rifq (gentleness) in all affairs."[4] and,  "Verily rifq does not exist in something except that it beautifies it; and it is not taken out of something except that it harms it."[5] This is the meaning of what Rasool صلى الله عليه و سلم said regarding oneself and when dealing with the da'wah. This is what you do when you give the da'wah – give glad tidings and don't drive the people away; give them glad tidings of what they will receive; and by your actions make it easy and not hard for them to accept it. If this is how you deal even with the kaafir (disbeliever), so how is it then with your brother – he has the highest levels of  rifq. Allaah سبحانه و تعالى loves this leniency in all of the affairs and whoever loves this Deen and loves Allaah سبحانه و تعالى and loves the Messenger صلى الله عليه و سلم and loves the  haqq he is upon, then he will force himself to leave his shiddah  (harshness) and he will take the means of leniency because of his love for the Deen and the Messenger صلى الله عليه و سلم and the  haqq that he is upon. 

So, one has to be like this in giving the Da'wah and in his dealings with his brothers etc. We must come together and associate with each other, and especially with the Salafis, in the best manner possible, showing the best face we can. In every single affair we have with them, and in every sphere of life we deal with them in the very best way. If we don't do this and we don't leave our harshness for each other, and put forth the means of love and coming together amongst each other, then we will dispute, and we will have differences and we will split. The people that are not from it, they will run away, and Rasool صلى الله عليه و سلم said:  'O People! Verily there are among you those who chase people away! [6] So 'give the glad tidings and do not chase the people away, and make easy and do not make hard the affairs' [7]. 

The Shaykh hafidahu'Allaah went on to make du'aa that Allaah سبحانه و تعالى grant us success so that we act upon this (advice) and that we stay all together upon the haqq  – the manhaj of as-Salafiyyah, and he made some other du'aa – du'aa for us to stay true (saadiqeen) and sincere to Him and he made much du'aa for us. Baarak Allaahu Feehi wa Jazaahu Allaahu Khairan and this is where he ended his talk hafidahullaahu, and we ask Allaah سبحانه و تعالى that He grant him shifaa' (cure) because he was feeling a little bit tired and this is the end of the Shaykh's hafidahullaahu ta'aala lecture. Jazaka'Allaahu Khairan. 

References 

[1] Reported with the following wording in Saheeh Muslim by Abu Hurayrah in Kitaab al-Aqdiyya (#1715)  

[2] Reported with the following wording in Saheeh al-Bukhaaree, Kitaab al-'Ilm (#100) and with a similar wording in Saheeh Muslim, The Book of Knowledge (Kitaab al-`Ilm), (#2673)

[3] Shaykh al-Albaaniرحمه الله says Saheeh in Saheeh al-Jaami' (#6297).

[4] Reported as part of the following hadeeth in Saheeh al-Bukhaaree (#6528) and Saheeh Muslim, Kitaab as-Salaam (#2165) 

[5] Shaykh al-Albaaniرحمه الله says Saheeh in Saheeh al-Jaami' (#5654)

[6] Reported in Saheeh al-Bukhaaree as part of several ahaadeeth Kitaab al-Jamaa'aat wal Imaamah (#670, #672), Kitaab al-Adab (#5759) and Kitaab al-Ahkaam (#6740) and also in Saheeh Muslim Kitaab as-Salaah (#466)  

[7] Reported with the following wording as part of a hadith in Saheeh Muslim, Kitaab al-Jihaad was-Sayr (#1732) 

Taken from the source www.albaseerah.org

That's what this blog is all about. And Jesus, of course.

This blog will post Mondays weekly. There will be four posts at that time. The top will introduce the issue. Natali (better known as Tali) will post next down. She will argue her point about whatever the issue is.

Colby will post third down. He will argue his point about whatever the issue is. The fourth, and last, post will introduce the next week's issue.

This will leave a week for readers to post their thoughts, comments and rebuttals to the arguments.

Let the games begin!

I do know that my parents deserve some piece of mind.
And you can spew out all the numbers and facts you can recall,
you can smile and laugh and shake your head at one another,
but what have you done for me lately?

However, I must say that you are more poised than I expected…

-Essaytch

My main position on all this is that nothing should be brought into the life of the Church until the leadership really understands where it came from and why, and how it's developed since then. The only way to do this is for people to read the histories, both favorable and not favorable, of that culture and especially its religion.

For instance, I oppose church programs because I happen to know that such things were invented by evangelicals as a result of the New Measures controversy and that they embodied the replacement of an older doctrine about grace. The Orthodox may not agree with the doctrine of grace that was being replaced, entirely. The point remains that the programs were invented to take the place of grace by inducing volitional responses in people through hysteria, guilt, euphoria, and other pressures. Essentially, church programs are manipulative.

Here's one place you can read about how it all started. It's a Reformed Christian source, and I'll continue to recommend it until I find that an Orthodox historian has looked into the history of American religion as thoroughly as this Scotsman has done.

Likewise, I eschew pop music in the church. No one should dream of setting the Liturgy to pop music, even outside the service, until they have really looked into what people who study culture have to say about the phenomenon of pop culture, and its relationship to 1) religion 2) low culture 3) high culture and 4) the human soul.

All this is just leading up, however, to my real point today.

That is the issue of which words we use in our theological discussions. I'm not advocating censorship. I'm simply pointing out that if you are engaging a philosophical adversary, you lose the debate the minute you start adopting their terms for things.

For instance, calling pop music "contemporary music" will obfuscate the issue enough to win the argument with most people. Of course there's nothing wrong with music that was written while you were alive - that's contemporary to you. Everyone sensible realizes that. However, if you talk about "pop music" sensible people will be forced to consider the question of whether the music of popular culture is really a fit vessel with which to carry the divine words home to our hearts.

Why does it work this way? Well, again it has to do with origins. That is, new words are invented when old words imply things that people no longer believe in. Over at Leo O'Filon's great blog Eastern Orthodox Christianity 2.0 (so great is it in fact, that he linked to me just yesterday) there's a discussion going on about the nature of 'sex.' Someone left a rather drab disheatening comment about not being able to escape the fact that the church considers the purpose of sex to be "reproductive" and that the "unitive" nature of the act was only in addition to this purpose.

Ugh.

Let's take a look at the word 'reproductive.' The online etymological dictionary records this:

Reproduce: 1611, "to produce again," from re- "again" + produce (v.), probably on model of Fr. reproduire (16c.). Sense of "make a copy" is first recorded 1850; that of "produce offspring" is from 1894. Reproductive in biological sense is recorded from 1836. Reproduction is attested from 1659, "act of creating again;" sense of "generation of living things" is from 1782; meaning "a copy" is from 1807.

To break this down, human beings having children was apparently not called reproducing until 1894, some sixty years after it was used that way for beasties. It was at this time that both evolutionary philosophy (the idea that everything bubbles up from below rather than being bestowed from on high) had completely taken over the world, and protestant Christianity (the dominant form in the U.S.) had begun largely to succumb to "theological liberalism." Liberalism was a new formulation of Christian theology that tried to conform to modern skepticism. Up to that point human life had always had a mystical or supernatural dimmension. That was all about to change.

Import this word 'reproductive' into a theological discussion about sex, and what you have is an unspoken, but agreed-upon assumption that to give birth to a child is a biological function meant to assure the survival of the species. In other words, the whole conversation is going to be pervaded by the impression that man's actions are no more significant than those of an animal, not to mention the separation implied between the "biological aspect" of the act and whatever else might be involved.

Husband: Darling, let's go to bed early tonight.

Wife: Why's that, Dear?

Husband: I want to engage the biological function whereby you can go through nine months of discomfort and deprivation followed by a day or two of intense agony and bloodloss, followed by months of insane sleeplessness, in order to do our part to ensure the survival of our species.

Wife: I think natural selection is at work here, because there's an idiot who's not about to pollute the gene pool tonight. There's the couch.

Why not use the biblical word "childbearing?" It still implies the agony and sacrifice, but it links it to salvation, for "she shall be saved through childbirth." More importantly, a child is not a "copy" of its parents. Rather a child is a person - a completely unique creation - and to play a part in the creation of a person is nothing to sneeze at.

As for "unitive" - ugh. Sex does not have a unitive function. Rather, marriage makes people one flesh.

I've mentioned before how deception hangs over our age like a cloud. Believing that God even exists is just as difficult as not believing it, for probably the first time in history. There's a mental atmosphere that we all share, in which it just feels unlikely that there should be anything out there besides the material Universe detectable by science.

Mental atmospheres are created by sentiments and beliefs that everyone in a society shares. And those beliefs and sentiments in turn are embodied in the words we choose to use. Call the act of marriage "sex" and you've turned it into something Freudian, akin to eating - an undeniable urge, a basic need of all normal humans. How can you argue for celibacy and use that word at the same time? How can you say sex is mystical? It's a self contradictory statement.

To put it another way, if your theological thesis is full of ugly skeptical words, don't expect to convince people that your theology is good or beautiful or - true.

So what's my point? It is that every single person who wants to talk about Orthodox theology with his or her non-Orthodox contemporaries (or Christian theology with non-Christians) should read Owen Barfield's little book "History in English Words" and think carefully and methodically about what beliefs our terminology implies before trying to make larger arguments.

And what if using more honest words prevents us from arguing along the lines of our opponents - defeating them on their own ground? Most wrong answers in theology come from asking the wrong questions, in my observation. If our opponent has asked the wrong question and invented words to make that question possible, I don't believe we should have anything to do with such questions, much less adopt their terminology in order to argue with them. We remain the last refuge of true religion only so far as we construct our inner world in an entirely different shape from the one that's caving in on those around us. We aren't obligated to rescue another's construction that's falling apart under its own weight. We only have to preserve our own as a temple of God.

Contradictions: BAD

This is why I believe these statements: “Stop arguing with me!”

Often, this statements is said by parents to children (often; not always). What the parents is really saying is, “I don’t want to hear your opinions.”

(This is, of course, a very simplified view.)

What say you?