Now if Google has to cut jobs ... we're all in trouble.

Covering the walls of home and silent anguish,

I know how much you love it when it's fresh and warm,

And i know how much you detest it when it turns cold and old,

I know how much you long for it to run from vein to floor,

And i feel you struggle in your secret, hidden sufferings,

As i watch you battle your secret, hidden demons,

Carefully wrestling both,

Between the think red richness of life,

And the thin black darkness of death,

Never knowing as I do that is the terrible price of far too many memories,

Wich run as deep as the slashes you inflict,

As you desperatly try to make them flow away,

In your red river of escape,

Yes, I know,

Something so rare, and breakable, and foul,

Does beat beneath the skin,

For bloody hands do linger where the hands of hate have touched,

And endless disapointement and unfilled needs still dwell,

Yet i know to that they are yours aswell as theirs,

And until you come to know this to,

The soul shall continue to cry out,

While th ebody remains numb to the pain,

Wich causes us both to bleed,

Relesae my hand,

Hold onto the heart inside the blade.

The other day I saw a young beautiful, 18 year old college student who came into the hospital with approximately 50 razor blade cuts to each leg and the words "I am alive" carved into her left hand. This young woman is what we call a "cutter", she cuts to soothe her emotional pain and to feel alive as the words etched into her blooded palm stated.

There was very little I could do for this young woman in the short amount of time I had with her for numerous reasons, but most importantly because she was in denial of her issues and I probably has borderline personality disorder (a lot of cutters have this disorder). I did try to offer her something, and the reason i am writing this post is because i want to offer it to all cutters as a way of at least initially soothing the hurt.

The next time you feel like seeing blood or hurting yourself, don't pick up a razor, instead, pick up a red marker or red finger nail polish and mark on yourself the same way you would with the razor. The red will help give the allusion of blood without actually having to cut yourself. Even better, pick up a ice cube and hold it tightly in your hand. Let that pain serve as the pain of the sting from the razor. I propose this as just temporary fixes for the immediate and sometimes impulsive need to caught, but seeking therapy is most likely the only way to truly alleviate the pain behind the cutting. And if you really want help I can put you in touch with the right people or in the least, recommend a number of self-help books that can help you stop hurting.

It feels fucking orgasmic.

& hell, that's more than I've felt in too long now.

My mother, step father & his mother leave at 3am tomorrow morning for Portugal. I hope they have a wonderful time. Heaven forbid the house will burn down while they're sat on their arses on some beach somewhere, wishing they were in Spain.

My mother & I came to blows this afternoon after she just couldn't stop pushing me about how I felt about them pissing off for two weeks. But that isn't the point, I couldn't care less if they went to the fucking moon for a month. The point is that they've handled it extremely badly & even though I gave them more than enough opportunities, they carried on lying about it to my face.

But alas, they lied & are now pissing off without a care in the world, let alone a care about me & what the hell I'll do. But why am I hurt by this? It's simply another nail in the coffin & only determines my will to cut them off once I am permanently living in America. After all, cutting them out of my life altogether has only been 5 years coming. Yeah. I've been considering this, or more like, I've been on the brink of doing this for five years now & it seems they only want to push me over that edge.

It's been really tense tonight & well, there have been other influences that haven't helped my situation. I want to write about them, I need to write about them but I don't think I can.

All I know is that the noose is pulling tighter & I'm starting to choke. I look at the past six months & wonder, why things aren't any easier....

Why are the urges to tear apart that Bic razor, drag the blade along & down through the layers of my skin until I collapse in an exhausted, blood stained heap stronger than ever?

I was this close to buying the pretty box of individual, wax paper wrapped Exacto blades in the store today.

My impulses are wild as ever & the only way I could stop myself was to reach for handfuls of chocolate bars instead. In-fact I found myself reaching for the alcohol tonight too & they haven't even left yet.

So I don't cut, but I do binge. I binge then I starve myself. Two weeks they'll be gone. That's two weeks where I won't have to lie about haven eaten at work or bother to tuck most of what's on my plate into a tissue when no-ones looking.

Because being 6 months self-injury free really has made me a much saner, happier woman hasn't it?

Give me a fucking break. I'm still as fucked as ever. I simply can't help myself.

Talking of urges, for the past few months my little piercing fanatic side has been niggling me to get another one, only I couldn't decide what. Nothing like getting someone else to hold the blade for you. But maybe that's not true, after all, self injury is incredibly personal & well, it isn't the same thing. Mind you, the past few weeks that same voice has been telling me that a tattoo would be a good idea too.

I don't even know anymore. I barely even feel like trying. I mean, what difference does any of this really make? If it doesn't make a difference to anyone other than me, then only I can decide if what I choose to do is right for me. So in saying that, surely breaking my 6 month streak would be a terribly damaging thing, not only to my healed scars but to my psyche. If I let this go now, everything else will follow. If I push down on this blade now, my entire world will be pushed down with it. Won't it? Or will I bounce back, as though from a respite?

2 weeks without my parents. I'll be at work during the day, but it's at night when my demons come out to play. It's the isolation that will get me & well, that is surely a depressives best friend.

NEW DELHI, October 3 (Compass Direct News) – At least two more Christians were killed today in Orissa state’s Kandhamal district after Hindu extremists this week set fire to nearly 400 homes there and in Boudh district. A third man succumbed to axe injuries on Wednesday (Oct. 1).

Weeks after Hindu extremist violence erupted against Christians, this morning tribal peoples in Sindhipankha village killed Dushashan Majhi, a local influential Christian, first shooting him and them cutting him to pieces. Local Christian leaders reported that Majhi was a government servant working in the treasury.

The mob then turned on Sanyasi Majhi, also said to be Christian, who was with Dushashan Majhi. There were unconfirmed reports that a third victim was killed along with the other two.

A local Christian who wished to remain unnamed told Compass that after killing the two men, the assailants massacred cattle belonging to village Christians and burned Christian-owned houses. Sindhipankha is about seven kilometers (four miles) from Tumudiband.

Local news reporter Lalit Jena told Compass from Kandhamal that the attacks – which have continued unabated since Hindu extremists blamed Christians for the death of Hindu leader Laxmanananda Saraswati on Aug. 23 even though Maoist militants admitted murdering him – involve women first ransacking the Christian homes.

“The modus operandi of the tribal mob is such that women go first and attack the Christian houses,” he said. “They ransack and rob the household’s gold and other jewelry, TVs and all that is precious. The men then follow and burn the houses. Lately it has been reported that now they are fighting among themselves for the booty.”

Jena added that tribal peoples who lived in poverty before the violence now have obtained many heads of cattle, including goats and cows, within a short span, as well as household goods.

“They may have no electricity in their villages, but one can see lots of television sets, nearly all of it looted from the Christians,” he said.

Axe Murder

On Wednesday (Oct. 1), Lalji Nayak, believed to be about 80 years old, died from axe wounds after a Hindu extremist mob attacked his village of Hrudangia the previous day. Nayak and 14 others were wounded, with Nayak struck between his neck and chest.

While three of the wounded received first-aid at a health center in Kandhamal, eight others, including Nayak and his wife Mandaki, were admitted to MKCG Medical College in Berhampur. At press time Nayak’s widow, who received an axe blow just below the ear, remained in the medical center with a serious head injury.

Local Christians in Berhampur wanted to give Lalji Nayak a Christian burial, but police did not allow it. Utkal Christian Council members B.D. Das and J.R. Patro expressed strong objections to the police action.

Nayak’s brother, Junas Nayak, was taken to Cuttack Medical College for gunshot wounds. He remained in critical condition at press time with multiple gunshot wounds, and according to Jena has a total of 13 bullets in him.

“Seven are on his left thigh, and six in his right hand, but the doctors have so far done nothing to remove them from his body, even though he has been admitted in the hospital since September 30,” Jena told Compass. “We are concerned that he may develop septic [shock or infection] because of the delay.”

In the attacks, an 8-year-old boy miraculously survived after being hit by an axe in the middle of his skull.

Two pregnant Christian women, Archana and Geeta Sahu, this week were brought from Kandhamal to Berhampur hospital, where they gave birth and were said to be out of danger.

Houses Burned

Nearly 400 houses were burned or destroyed in Orissa state’s Boudh and Kandhamal districts this week.

On Wednesday (Oct. 1), mobs set fire to dozens of houses in the Raikia area of the Kandhamal district. Yesterday the violence crossed over to neighboring Boudh district as about 100 houses were torched by mobs in at least nine villages. Worst affected was the village of Kantamal.

The burning of houses continued this morning, with more than 400 houses reported to have been either burnt or destroyed in Boudh and Kandhamal districts.

Police have reportedly arrested five people so far in connection with the burning of the houses in Boudh district.

Additional District Magistrate Mihir Chandra Mallik told reporters, that unidentified people set fire to over a hundred houses of Dalit Hindus in at least nine villages in Boudh district.

“We have set up a relief camp at Kantamal town to provide food and shelter to the people who have lost their homes,” he added.

The administration said that the motive for burning these houses was ethnic, as Kandh tribal peoples attacked Dalit Pana homes.

Area church leaders confirmed this, but one said on condition of anonymity, “First they were targeting Christian Panas only, but now even Hindu Panas are not being spared. All Hindus who have not joined the mobs in attacking Christians are also being treated in the same way as Christians.”

Both Dalit Pana houses as well as homes belonging to the Christian Pana community have been targeted in Boudh district, he said.

In Barakhama village near Kandhamal, Christians may move to the safer Daringbadi. A local pastor told Compass that Barakhama was also targeted last December, when around 400 homes belonging to Christians were burned and demolished.

“The same continues now,” he said on condition of anonymity. “The Christians love their homes, but it is just not safe to live here anymore, for the government has failed to protect us. The Christians in Barakhama have almost decided to move collectively to Daringbadi, which is at least a bit safer.”

It is estimated that around 500 Christian families will leave the village.

Nun Raped

Police have finally confirmed the rape of a nun in Kandhamal two days after the death of Hindu leader Saraswati.

A mob of around 40 men attacked the nun at K. Nuagaon village, where she and a priest, Father Thomas Chellantharayil, had taken shelter after their center was attacked. The mob allegedly dragged her and the priest to a deserted office of a Non-Governmental Organization, where she was stripped and raped. The priest was reportedly doused with gas and beaten as he tried to stop the attack on her.

Police have arrested four suspects in the rape. Juria Pradhan, 52, his 22-year-old son Kartik Pradhan, Biren Sahu, 35, and 26-year-old Tapas Patnaik were arrested in connection with the assault and rape of the 29-year-old Catholic nun on Aug. 25.

The inspector-in-charge of Baliguda police station has since been suspended in connection with the incident. The Orissa government has also ordered a probe, 39 days after the initial complaint.

District Superintendent of Police S. Praveen Kumar this week told reporters that a medical examination report confirmed that the nun was raped.

The Hindustan Times reported today that although the report was filed weeks ago, police obtained the medical examination report only two days ago following media reports and the efforts of Sister Nirmala, Superior-General of the Missionaries of Charity, who wrote to the state seeking justice.

“A police official said they were busy in maintaining law and order and could not find time to look into the case,” the national daily reported.

Attempts at Law and Order

Since Wednesday (Oct. 1), 46 people have been arrested on charges of rioting in Kandhamal district. A police official said that they had arrested more than 300 people in the past month.

Christian leaders attributed the sudden arrest of 46 people in the last two days to new state Director General of Police (DGP) Manmohan Praharaj, who took over from Gopal Chandra Nanda, who retired on Tuesday (Sept. 30).

Hindu extremist Vishwa Hindu Parishad International President Ashok Singhal did not take kindly to the latest arrests.

“The new DGP is indiscriminately arresting leaders of Hindu organizations that are not related to any case,” he told reporters this week.

Nearly 53 companies of paramilitary forces have been appointed in Kandhamal district, and curfew was still imposed. The central government sent 1,000 paramilitary personnel in the form of 10 Central Reserve Police Force companies on Wednesday (Oct. 1) to Kandhamal district. Local sources said 10 more companies were expected by Sunday (Oct. 5).

The central government has come down heavily on the Orissa state government. Union Home Minister Shivraj Patil wrote a strongly worded letter to Orissa Chief Minister Naveen Patnaik on Wednesday (Oct. 3) asking him to take effective measures and provide security for the Christian community in the state.

“Merely continuing to ask for additional forces after every few days cannot be the solution,” Patil wrote. “The state government has to implement overall strategy for creating an environment of security.”

The letter came hours after the Union Cabinet expressed grave concern over the situation in the state, with Prime Minister Manmohan Singh directing Patil to present a report on the situation at the next cabinet meeting.

Peace Rally in New Delhi

In New Delhi, nearly 15,000 Christians joined in a peace march in solidarity with the victims of the Orissa and Karnataka violence yesterday.

The peace march was the culmination of the week-long sit-in organized by the Christians of Delhi and NCR (National Capital Region) beginning Sept. 26 to protest atrocities on Christians in Orissa and Karnataka. The peace march took place on the birthday of Mahatma Gandhi, father of the nation.

Many national leaders, including central ministers Lalu Prasad Yadav and Oscar Fernandes, addressed the gathering at the Dharna (sit-in). Yadav, the union minister for Indian Railways, promised to personally meet with the prime minister and urgently discuss the matter. He said that he would “take up the anti-Christian violence in Parliament and debate the hatred of Hindutva [Hindu nationalist] forces.”

Hindu leaders such as Swami Agnivesh addressed the peace march at Rajghat (Gandhi’s final resting place), saying that the “very killers of Mahatma Gandhi, are the same killers of Christians in Orissa, Karnataka, Madhya Pradesh and other parts of the country . . . The Hindutva fascists do not represent the peace-loving Hindu societies, rather they are damaging the Sanatam Dharma [eternal law] of Hinduism,” he said.

Report from Compass Direct News

I watched again. They worked a takedown, so I really didn't mind sitting. Justin called it "The Paul Creighton Special", the same one Paul showed at Karate College. Shoot in; swing around perpendicular to them in horse stance (!), head tight in front by their hip; grab inside their near leg with your back hand and above the knee on their far leg with your front hand; swing their legs in, up, and forward while pushing back with your head; and land in side control.

Then they did a few rounds of blocking drills and a few rounds on the heavy bags. They were starting some conditioning when I left for TKD; looked like the end of a crazy BJJ warmup.

Talked to Perry some last night. He'd gotten the date for the tournament mixed up with a seminar that he's going to (bringing in? Missed that part), so I actually have 2 extra weeks to get ready. Also, he said there's already a girl signed up for full-contact at 120 lbs, so that's 2 fewer pounds to cut.

I'm still stuck at 125. My brother thinks it's because of the frozen chicken we buy; it has "chicken broth" added, and he thinks it's adding too much sodium so I'm retaining water. Bleh. So for the next six weeks, it's fresh meat and fish only. I'm also going to dig more in to the nutrition labels to see if there's any more hidden sodium I've missed and to make sure I've got the right numbers on everything I'm tracking.

TKD, last night

The beginners are through Chong Ji and doing well. They'll test next Tuesday for their white belts.

In the advanced class, the head instructor asked a couple of us black belts to join the class as "good examples." !! I know the forms, I do, it's just I get them confused sometimes. Oh, and we were going to do them in reverse order, which always messes with me. Thankfully, we first went through each step-by-step, so I got a refresher. Wasn't really warmed up, though, especially my hips; stances were shallow and kicks were low.

Didn't get a chance to talk to her about next year because she was constantly teaching last night. Ended up staying through the end, to 11 p.m., trying to talk to her. (Also stayed on Tuesday because one of the non-club black belts was teaching a kick techniques class and I wanted to see it.) Am sleepy.

Today is kickboxing. No BJJ tomorrow because Tim, Justin, and Adam are heading down for Adam's weigh-in; he has his first MMA fight tomorrow night. He was supposed to have one in August, but there wasn't an opponent at his weight. Kickboxing class tomorrow is an hour earlier so we can all shower (I hope) and then head down to watch.

At work today, we have a new coffee maker with lots of buttons and screens. Press "Coffee" and you're given choices "Small," "Medium", "Large", or "Expresso." One button is labeled "Chocolate." Sadly, it does not actually dispense chocolate. (I tried to tell the office manager that the machine was therefore broken, but I don't think she was in a good mood and so didn't agree.)

Another button is labeled "Well Being". When you press the button, the next screen gives you the options "Small" or "Regular." Hehe, a cup of Well Being to start the day...

Not many people know about the prompting to hurt myself, and none of them understands it. The calm it can bring me, the release.  When I reach the point of emotional overwhelm, the pain is a valve, deflating the pressure, flooding me with endogenous opioids.  I suppose some people lash out at others, but when you believe yourself fundamentally unworthy you place blame on yourself for just about everything.  Why hurt someone else when you are the one at fault?

Of course, I have curbed the urge quite a lot, or at least, I am acting on it only rarely.  But I still think about it and I wonder what kind of person does this.  Then last night, while out with some friends, I noticed that one girl I like quite a lot and feel an affinity for has scars.  Neat, clean scars.  In a row.  On her arm.  They are not the sort of thing that happens accidentally.  I recognize them, and now I recognize her.  I know the performer that emerges from her in public, the need to be "on" and bright, brilliant, funny.  I am not enough by myself, I must embellish.  Look at me, love me.

It doesn't make me like her less. In fact, it sort of makes me want to love her, and it makes me feel a little more compassion for myself.

What else can you do?  It's not okay to kill people, though you might occasionally like to.  So when you are out of bounds of your emotions, you draw yourself back in with a tiny scratch, barely breaking the surface with a neat, fine crevasse. And maybe you work on that scratch for  a bit so it is like a little river in your leg.  And then you can take a deep breath, let it out in a sigh.  You are calm, for now.

You have punished yourself for transgressions.  You have let out the pain in a way that makes sense to you. You have drawn the focus to the physical instead of the emotional. For now, you don't need the drugs or the alcohol.  You have your own manufacturer of good stuff.

So anyway, there is the explanation.

But the truth is, no one deserves this. Not even me.

The T-Shirt is a staple in fashion in the United States, popularized during WWII by the American soldiers who admired the versatility of the lightweight British soldiers' undershirts. Since that time, the T-shirt has been immortalized by people like James Dean and Elvis, bringing depth to an other-wise unremarkable design. These shirts are easy and comfortable because they are button-, zipper-, collar-, and sleeve-free and soft to perfection thanks to their jersey knit.

Their Way

T-Shirt reconstruction, although it may not seem it, is a very broad subject and can be divided into the following categories:

1. No-Sew (customizing a shirt without sewing it)

2. T-construction (altering a t-shirt with a needle and thread to make it something wearable)

3. Mash-Up (using parts of different shirts to create a shirt)

4. Tee-Party (using one or more shirts AND other embellishments, such as lace, scrap fabric, buttons, zippers, patches, etc. to create a shirt)

5. Versatili-tee (using one or more shirts and other pieces to create a different article of clothing)

My Way

Surgery #1

Surgery #2

Surgery #3

In all of the above pictures: Black jeans, Zara; Suede boots, thrifted; shirts, miscellaneous, customized by me.

]]> http://pageslap.wordpress.com/?p=951 Thu, 02 Oct 2008 23:20:46 +0000 stamperoo http://pageslap.sv.wordpress.com/2008/10/02/unpleasant-things-i-saw-on-my-way-home-volume-1/ I've seen a number of abnormal and/or unpleasant things during recent commutes. Because I always have a camera with me, and because I like to tell stories that involve visual aids, I photographed them. When I downloaded the images on my camera, I was struck by the number of gross and/or weird photos I had taken. I could have asked myself "What's wrong with me", but instead I wondered, "What's wrong with everyone else".

And so begins a new series of posts, "Unpleasant Things I Saw On My Way Home". Alternately titled "What's wrong with you people", where "you people" are the people in my city and neighbourhood. Yeah, you.

Here is your first installment.

Why Nicole, you might be saying, That's just an ordinary TTC bus seat. To which I'll reply, Wrong. Take a closer look, Wrongie.

Yes, that is a CUT FINGERNAIL ON A BUS SEAT.
Say it with me now.
"What's wrong with you people."

so a few things happened today. much of which i don't remember after my whole freak out [i'll explain later]
so what i do remember is,

gorgeous guy was there all day. i saw him. he was alone the first ten minutes of study hall. and when i was finally going to go and talk to him [even though i planned on doing it in lunch,] his friend walked in. my chance gone.
in lunch he wasn't alone. he was sitting with a few girls. perfect view too. but then he moved to the table next to us, well behind us i guess. so my back was turned to him. he looked amazing today.
on the bus home he was standing like normal. so i looked at him and sat down, not wanting to stare at him [well i wanted to] but i didn't want him to think i'm you know, a stalker. but then i got hot and took off my sweatshirt, but got cold and had to put it back on. so i had to get up to put it on. so i got up and looked over at him. he looked at me for a few seconds and then sat down. not a good sign.

anyway now onto the freak out terrible thing. when on the bus home i discovered a scratch from my cat. so i was like, "what the hell. i keep finding these cuts all over me and i don't know where they're coming from."
and of course they had to go there. jokingly my friend went, "are you sure you didn't put them there." and then her and this guy laughed. and i got all defensive and pissed. oh and then get this. they couldn't stop there. that guy was like, "are you sure you're not hiding your cuts under those bracelets?"
so then i had to fucking move my bracelets so they can inspect me. and then they were all "she's clean!"
now they might have thought it was a joke and everything.
but to me it was more. see last year i was in a bad patch and took up cutting as a back fall. and it lasted only a few months, but i didn't tell many people. and even though it was over six months ago, i still get all defensive and what not. so for them to think it was okay to say that kind of shit was outrageous to me. i took out my ipod put on some aiden [nightmare anatomy] and turned it up all the way. i tuned out of them saying "that's so loud we can hear it." frankly i didn't care what they were saying. so then i had to get off the bus. so i turned off my ipod, in a better mood now, but couldn't hear anything. everything was fuzzy as if i were underwater or had cotton shoved deep in my ears. everything was quiet and unclear. i told them thinking nothing of it and they all just looked at me. "that's not good. you could be going deaf."
i shrugged and got off the bus, everything still fuzzy. the wind in my ears made weird noises and so did the cars that passed. it was then i noticed the loud ringing noise in my ears. it wouldn't stop. i started crying thinking back to what my science teacher a couple years back said about ears ringing for more then 20 minutes. "you could be going deaf if your ears don't stop ringing after 20 or so minutes." so now, 45 minutes later, mascara coated under my eyes, tears running down my face i looked in every single one of my moms medical books on deafness and ringing ears. of course that just freaked me out more.
and hour and a half later, my mom got home and the ringing had decreased to a lower noise but was still there. i was terrified. thinking only of all the sounds i would miss out on.
and then i took a nap. and woke up fine. my ears not ringing.
haha. i'm a bit paranoid by the way. attacks like this happen a lot for me. hm.

i think that's it for now. i'll most likely be back later to just vent about gorgeous guy and my feelings and all that shitty stuff. i really haven't vented in awhile. i can't talk to allie about anything anymore. the one person i thought i'd always have deep conversations with is now abandoning me and just saying the same small talk as everyone else. and get this, she pierced her septum and was like, "i think i hit a vein. DON'T PREACH TO ME ABOUT IT!"
cause apparently she thinks i preach her about everything she does.
well excuse me for caring.

sometimes. i think i have no real friends.
i hate that.
but it's true.
do they even care?
or am i just alone?

-your caring, alone, terrified, not deaf monster.

6 months of re-learning self-control, self-management & coping strategies.

6 months of manic highs & extreme lows, but never giving up on this goal.

6 months of taking greater care of myself than I have ever done before.

We all know it's not been an easy road for me, nor am I through the woods yet. SI is a daily struggle & it always will be, the urges are still as strong as day one if not more powerful but in reaching this goal, bigger than any I thought I could make before, I know now that it is possible!

I never thought I'd see this day, the mere notion would send me into a tail spin of self doubt & depression, believing that I could never be so strong. Yet I found the strength somewhere...

It all began with my meeting Bear last year & his influence on me & my life. He introduced me to love again & with that, I began to see myself in a whole new light. He gave back to me the strength I thought I'd lost.

I have to give myself the utmost credit though, as I was the only one who could truly make this happen. In the good times & the bad times I continued to utilize my gift & here I am 6 months later, prouder than ever & still marching forward.

You know what feels just as good? The fact I can now say "I go home next month".

As I woke each day after the year mark, the memories of what took place came back. The feelings I had and the emotional roller coaster still exist. I still question how a man can rape his own child. How he could steal her innocence and childhood... an innocence and childhood that can never be returned...

This morning as I drove to work, I drove past the hospital and remembered how it felt. The loss of innocence, the pain of suffering, the horror of the revelation and the days of dealing with everyone else that it touched.

I know now that it was not just the one day, but the days that followed... the year that followed, the lifetime that follows...

It will never leave us.

It is tattooed forever on our life and souls.

Read More at:
Q: What is new in DirectX 9?
A: "There are many new and exciting features in all of the DirectX components.
The SDK has added a new member to its core technology called Managed DirectX, a DirectPlay port for the PocketPC, a High Level Shader Language for D3DX, and Windows XP parity on downlevel operating systems for DirectShow and the DirectX audio APIs.
DirectShow also has a new Video Mixing Renderer (VMR9) which uses D3D9 surfaces and always renders video through the 3D pipeline, along with new and exciting samples.
The generic Windows Media Format SDK stub library (wmstub.lib) available in previous beta releases has been removed. DirectShow samples using this stub library have been reverted to the DirectX 8.1 behavior of displaying a warning to obtain the stub separately, and the readme.txt files have also been reverted with information on the process to obtain the stub."
Q: What is new specifically in DirectX 9.0b?
A: DirectX 9.0b includes security and performance updates, along with many new features across all technologies, which can be accessed by applications using the DirectX 9.0 APIs.
Q: Will there also be a SDK update coming?
A: Yes, Microsoft DirectX 9.0b SDK Summer 2004 Update will be released this summer.
Q: What will be included in that?
A: Primary areas of concentration for the Summer Update was for the Direct3D Extension Library (D3DX), Graphics Samples, Sample Frame work, tools and documentation. This release includes updated developer runtime and the previously released DirectX 9.0b Redistributable.
Q: What was new in DirectX 8.0a?
A: DirectX 8.0a contains updates for issues with international installs on Windows 2000 and issues where input devices could have buttons disabled that were enabled with previous DirectX releases. There are no other changes.
Q: What operating systems is DirectX 9 compatible with?
A: Windows 98, Windows 98SE, Windows Me, Windows 2000(Professional and server editions), Windows XP. and Windows Server 2003. DirectX 9 is NOT compatible with Windows NT or Windows 95.
Q: You do not have Windows 95 listed as being compatible with Microsoft DirectX. What should I do?
A: The latest version available for Windows 95 is DirectX 8.0a.
Q: Is DirectX compatible with Windows NT?
A: Yes, though the only version supported on Windows NT 4.0 is DirectX 3.0a. You must also install Windows NT 4.0 Service Pack 6.
Q: How much space will this take up on the hard drive?
A: It will take about 18 MB of space once downloaded and installed. About 60 MB for installation.
Q: Do I need to install DirectX 9?
A: There are improvements over DirectX 8.1, but most users will do fine with running 8.1. Future games and hardware will obviously take better advantage of DirectX 9.
Q: What was new in DirectX 9.0a?
A: DirectX 9.0a featured bug fixes as well as improvements in performance within the graphics and networking components of the original DirectX 9.0 runtime.
Q: I thought that a DirectX Icon would appear in my control panel - what has happened to it?
A: The DirectX Control Panel is only included in the SDK versions of DirectX.
Q: What is the DirectX SDK?
A: The Microsoft® DirectX® 9 Software Development Kit (SDK) contains the tools needed to build cutting-edge, media-rich, interactive applications. It includes the run-time, headers and libs, sample executables, sample source, documentation, DirectX utilities, and support for both C++ and Visual Basic® development.
Q: What versions of DirectX are shipped with the different Microsoft Operating Systems?
A: Windows 98 comes with native DirectX 5 support. While Windows 98 Second Edition comes with DirectX 6.1a and Windows 2000 DirectX 7. Windows NT comes with DirectX 3.0a, and Windows 95 comes with DirectX 2. Windows XP comes with Direct X 8.1. Windows 2003 Server comes with DirectX 8.1.
Q: Will new versions of DirectX affect older games?
A: No, as each new version of DirectX is backwards compatible with older versions.
Q: Will Windows 2000 users finally be able to update to each new version of DirectX as they are released?
A: Yes - all future versions of DirectX will install onto Windows 2000.
Q: Does DirectX have a role with Xbox?
A: Yes, all DirectX technologies had played a role in the development of the Xbox both through Microsoft and NVIDIA. Xbox either shipped with a customized version of DirectX or has a similar set of non-updateable technologies.

Based on a single wire coil...the cut is made in such a way as shown above.

using the thick wire cutter, cutting would be breeze but my fingers hurt after a certain amount of time.

Each cut on the wire will produce a single chainmail link...I need lots of them for a real mail-shirt

At the end of theday, A BAG OF CHAINMAIL LINKS FOR THE NEXT STAGE.

Tried out the welder, and an automatic welding mask that I picked up (ok, it came from Bunnings).  All seemed to work ok - ran a weld bead all of about 1" long before my power supply tripped, but that was a. expected, and b. worked for longer than I creditied that it would.  Bought back old memories, not the least the smell - awesome! (Now you know I'm weird!!)

Finally took the opportunity to cut a channel in the old concrete path, which has been letting (a small) amount of water under part of the shed wall.  First with the angle grinder and a diamond blade, which worked surprisingly well.  The grinder was very hot by the end of it (2 cuts, 25mm deep (but done in multiple passes), about 1m long).  Don't think it has ever worked so hard.  Perhaps it was all the concrete dust it had to breathe.  Gave it a good blowout with the air compressor afterwards.  The cutter did well though (one of those cheap $10 diamond things)

Next, I chipped out the concrete between the 2 cuts to form the channel, and again the air compressor came to the fore.  That, and a pneumatic hammer connection I got as part of a basic pneumatic tool kit.  So hopefully it is enough - will know the next time it rains (heavily).  So probably some time July 2027.

Next job is to install the guttering which I picked up today, and my list of tasks for the shed upgrade will be finally getting short.

If you want to show someone that they don’t need to be afraid of you, because you are really sincere and you won’t cause any damage anywhere, that you don’t have bad intentions and that you want to have their trust and confidence, you have to be very patient.

Confidence is something you have to build. Nobody can trust you before examining you very well.

They have to examine your behavior in various situations, so that they may really believe that you are sincere and you won’t take advantage of them. This means that you really have to have excellent intentions. This method never works if you are a liar.

If you are a liar, stop lying and learn how to speak the truth and live near the truth, because only if you can be with the truth can you be close to mental health and wisdom.

You have to prove to the other person that you are sincere, you are not going to abandon them, you are not going to do anything illegal against them, and who knows what else, depending on your case, so you have to be absolutely correct in all your movements, but because you understand their fears, their problems and desires, not because you are an actor who is pretending to be very nice only until you manage to get their confidence, because this behavior is absurd: this is the behavior of idiots, who cannot think about the future, and live only in the present moment, imagining that everything will always be the way they desire and that everyone else can easily be manipulated and misled by them.

Be careful so that you don’t fall in this trap: never be an actor. If you are not sincere in your life, you will have to live among actors like yourself, who will betray you without a doubt…

Always be sincere and always have good intentions. This is your protection against craziness and despair and this is the only way you’ll really manage to convince the other person to believe you.

Confidence is something you build with time, patience and perseverance. This means that you won’t give up and that you won’t lose your temper.

Your words mean nothing in front of your behavior.

Words are only words: anyone can say whatever they wish. How could anyone know how many lies everyone tells them everyday?

You are going to prove that you are a good person in the difficult moments, when things are against you, thanks to your excellent behavior.

You have to be always the same rock. You cannot show irritation, indifference or impatience. You are the other person’s slave.

However, don’t be an actor. Otherwise, you won’t be near the truth. This means that you have to always forgive and understand the other person.

Put yourself in their place.

Instead of thinking about your position and how tired you are of waiting for them while showing them many things, but never seeing what you want, think about their fears, their problems and their desires.

Think about the other person’s difficulties when judging you. They have many things to be afraid of… We live in a horrible world, where people are false, selfish and cruel.

Be patient and always show your best self, paying attention to all the details. Forgive everything, and be only good. 

This way you’ll manage to prove to the other person that you are really sincere and they will trust you when they feel relieved about their doubts and fears. This is a process, which you have to respect, without showing impatience.

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Beating Depression and Craziness

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Christina_Sponias

This past week, God has set many things into action in my life. He's realigned my priorities before I could even lift a finger, and I've learned to give myself away so much this past week, setting my life on the line for everyone to see, to point fingers at, to ridicule, to anything. I've set my feelings on the line so others may see the truth. But I have yet to put my whole self on the line, and I know that, because, a lot of my experiences go unsaid and still boil under my skin, waiting to be unleashed.

The thing I love about my life is that I don't have to pretend I have it all together. Because in truth, I really don't. There's a war battling inside of me with good and evil, sometimes evil wins for a moment but good always seems to conquer in the long run because I strive to be good, even if I let myself down sometimes. I'm a broken person, I've hurt in the past. I hurt in the present, too. It's part of being human for me. It's part of the beauty to me. I've asked for forgiveness for so many things from God. But in truth, I'm still struggling to forgive and love myself.

When certain things cross my mind, I remember the pain, physical or emotional, or mental, or both. It's like a shock, reverberating through me. And I struggle to get past those things. It hurts, knowing I've made mistakes, that I've been so far into myself, so depressed in struggling, that I've hurt myself so seriously, with such ill intent. It's not even the memory. It's not even the fact that I've done it. It's the feelings. It's remembering the pain inside of my body. It's the scars that I can trace across me in so many places, some years old, others weeks, months.

They are the marks that humble me, the equivalent to a thorn in my side. They remind me I'm human. They remind me of days gone bad where I've seen my flesh split open, building blocks of life broken down. Where your best friends are the ones that give you blades in school and don't bother trying to stop you and only request there to be blood on the floor, and friends make plans to gather in a bathroom and put guns to each others heads, where people put nooses around their necks unless you confess it as your fault when really all you did was be taken advantage of. Where life has lost a bit of its value, and everythings made up of mirrors and smoke.

"Wipe away the crimson stains, and dull the nails that still remains..." Goes hand in hand with the next verse, 'More and more I need you now, I owe you more each passing hour." I've hurt myself, I've felt searing pain I've inflicted upon myself,  tries at scattering my thoughts so that I could fix myself. When in the end, I couldn't fix myself. My scars? They remind me of who I am. It hurts when I think of them, and when I think of them too much, my body responds by making my arm ache. Like a thorn in my side, to humble me. I'll never be able to escape the scars or memories, but maybe someday I will be able to tell others why it hurts me so much to ponder and remember. And maybe they will see something in it that I don't. Maybe I'm missing something in these experiences that I'll someday understand with some help of others. Maybe one day.

Jesus was crucified for humanity. I cut my arms and legs and stomach and tried to destroy myself. Jesus died to save me, to transform me. I tried to fix myself by ruining my body and giving myself scars. It hurts to know that what I've done has hurt me when Jesus died for me to fix and transform my life. All this time, I've spent hurting myself, cutting myself, escaping myself, when all along Jesus has endured horrible wounds and punishment for a righteous purpose, part of a righteous plan. And then there is my wicked past, and all of the crazy, deceitful, shameful events that led up to me cutting, that led up to my pain. "Watch this world I used to love, fall to dust and blow away..."

You know, that's what has changed me over the summer. I've become more humble and in touch with the pain I used to feel. I'm in touch with my fallen relationships, my need of attention, my broken family, my lost friends, and what was my horribly low self-esteem and confidence. I've touched it. I've felt it again. It's like a flame that's been relit, except the smoke's gone and I can see the embers of hope, and the melting wax of time that goes by.  It reminds me to be kind to everyone. It makes sure I love the people who aren't showed they are loved enough. It causes tears to stream down my face, in bitter regret and gratefulness, sorrow and happiness, all at the same time.

It's like I was lost to myself, lost to the past that makes me who I am, lost and heading without a direction and without purpose, like everything I've built my life on turns out to be nothing. Like my perceptivity hasn't been a burden and a gift, like it hasn't given me the wisdom I have, like the trials I've faced have not made me anymore humble of a person. They drive me, they make me, they've molded me. These trials and tribulations will continue to strengthen me. Even after the song ends, the battle's going. Even after the prayer ends, there's got to be more praying. It's not over until it's over.

And I've thought a lot today and yesterday about death and dying. About how lost someone has got to be to aim at killing others and go about it, how much sorrow there must be for someone to kill themselves and how much pain must be in a person to go about such acts. I want to prevent a disaster like that from happening at our school. I mean, the chances are slim - but the pain is there, the pain is boiling, and the same people that drama revolved around back in seventh grade still revolves around them.

So I pray for the people I see in the hallways, I pray when I hear something that makes me waver and want to cry and scream, I pray for all of these things, all of these people. I let people badger me about stupid things, I write spontaneous notes to people, I let people page through my books. But the bottom line is, I see the pain. I see the depths, through black and whites and all of the colors known to man, I see the hearts and potential pasts, and I see the profiles of people often better than they do themselves.

Why? I don't know. But I do know that my experiences have gradually built this gift and burden inside of me. I'll use it now for whatever purpose God has in store. Everyone, have a good day. Have a good week. Remember kindness can take over the world, one small act a time. And know that, the experiences I've had have been turned around by Jesus. And by this I mean, I find hope when I am completely weak and in destruction, and I find purpose for my life in being a bridge to others, in whatever way that might be. In the words of a wonderful Tech ed teacher: "Keep smiling..."