Min blogg har en theme song. Upptäckte den idag då jag kollade igenom mitt iTunes-bibliotek:

Grace and Love

by Kutless

Many things in life are hard for me
Many things can pull us down
I don't understand why I do what I do
How could I take my eyes off you
After all You've done for me
And after all You've done for me

It's by Your grace and love I am saved
It's by Your grace and love You've forgiven me, hey
And by that love and grace, I'm amazed
It's by Your grace and love I am free
I am free

And it's by grace and love that I am free
I'll live with you eternally
I thank you Lord that I am free
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying upon the tree of Calvary
I thank you Lord for loving me
I thank you Lord for dying for me

Because it's by grace and love I am saved
It's by Your grace and love You've forgiven me, hey
And by that love and grace, I'm amazed
It's by Your grace and love I am free
I am free

Many things in life are hard for me
Byt my grace and love You've forgiven me
And by grace and love we are free

]]> http://joyin.wordpress.com/?p=359 Thu, 24 Jul 2008 09:12:47 +0000 innerjoy http://joyin.wordpress.com/?p=359  

Aka: Erasing a Tendency Toward the Big But

I had the most eye opening moment a few days ago. I'll preface it by saying that I've heard this theory before, embraced it, but apparently couldn't internalize it until Tuesday.

It struck me that after spending the better part of my 32 years as a perfectionist, I haven't spent many - if any - moments fully accepting myself exactly as I am right now. Granted, I have times when I think, "Yeah, this is all pretty good, but..." and therein lies the problem. To quote Pee Wee Herman, "Everyone I know has a big but..." And how!

As a self-proclaimed joy girl, I relish many things: my home, my friends, my body (most of the time), my job (most of the time)... I try to have an attitude of gratitude about every aspect of my life, which strengthens my joy. I'm prone, however, to the ceaseless desire to tweak and refine, improve upon and strive. As a spiritual seeker, my mentors and role models have spoken of "just being." I love that idea, but it's usually just that - an idea. As a human, my internal drive rarely idles. I'm always looking for new ways to be better, more, greater, you name it.

That's when it struck me: I don't want to reach my 80's and look back thinking, "You damn fool! You had the most beautiful life, body, career, etc. but you never fully appreciated it. You always thought you could do one better..." How sad and wasteful that would feel.  

So on Tuesday, I promised myself, to the best of my ability, to fully and completely appreciate every part of myself as I am right now. I am going to work on expanding that attitude of gratitude as a full-time posture.

• If someone gives me a compliment, I'm going to accept it completely and wrap it around myself as opposed to taking it in my hands, looking at it, and then handing it back because I don't feel 100% worthy.
• I'm going to look at myself naked and think, "God darn, I'm walking around in a lovely package! I wouldn't change a thing."
• I'm going to be thankful for every day I'm at work - tough experiences or not - and think, "This is living; I love what I do!"
•  I'm going to accept where I am right now, in the midst of realizing some dreams and at the beginning of dreaming a few new ones and think, "Everything about right now is perfect. I'm exactly where I need to be."

Basically, I'm going to start erasing that ever present and frequently diminishing big "but."

So c'mon now, let's talk about YOUR big but!

:)

***

A few more Pee Wee quotes that I love (and this is a shout-out to my college neighbor and very good friend, Joyce "Monkey Chips" C.):

Pee-wee: The mind plays tricks on you. You play tricks back! It's like you're unraveling a big cable-knit sweater that someone keeps knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting and knitting...

Pee Wee Herman: There's things about me you don't know, Dottie. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand.

Dottie: I don't understand.

Pee Wee Herman: You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel.

[At a life-size diorama in the Alamo]

Tina: This is one of my favorite parts of the tour. Say hello to our residents, Pedro and Inez. Pedro is working on an "adobe." Can you say that with me?

[Tour group responds, "Adobe."]

Tina: Inez is holding a clay pot, of which she seems to be very proud. She has decorated it with lots of paint and glaze.

[After Pee Wee passes out]

Texan: What's your name?

Pee-wee: I don't remember.

Texan: Where are you from?

Pee-wee: I don't remember.

Texan: Do you remember anything?

Pee-wee: I remember... the Alamo.

[Texans cheer]

[Pee-wee walks into a noisy biker bar to use a pay-phone]

Pee-wee: Shhhhhhhh! I'm trying to use the phone!

Biker #1: Did anybody tell you that this is the private club of the Satan's Helpers?

Pee-wee: Nobody hipped me to that, dude.

I will have my van on Saturday (lets hope) it's been in the shop getting fixed.  Darn thing broke on me, but hey the CD player still works!!  Then it's time to job hunt. I haven't had a real job in years. i helped run a business, but without the degree it's hard to find a job in that field, though I will attempt it. What I really want to do is sell ice cream, but it's only seasonal here in good old NY.

Little C has been gone since last Friday and its a bit weird, if it weren't for the puppies making noise I would probably rent a kid.  Speaking of puppies, I have finally convinced mommy that her puppies don't belong in my bed, so I am finding them everywhere. Under the bed, I a box of clothes I have in here, behind the box.. I never know where they will be. They are fat and cute and I need to get up a picture.

Like everyday I check my "incoming links" to see who's linking to me or talking about my blog so that I can thank them for helping me out. Well--I followed one of the links to a forum the other day, which was a "vampire lifestyle support" forum. I was pretty impressed, and there were some great people in there answering questions for the people that came in and said "OMGZ vampires exist?!" or "I think I'm a vampire, help!" It was great...

...until I started getting a little further in, where some guy came in and started tearing these people apart. He claimed he was "debating" but in all honesty he was just being condescending, unreasonable and rude. He claimed he's been researching vampires for five years and he had a speech prepared on the proof that they don't exist (which he copied and pasted into the forum).

That's fine...state your opinion. But when the vampyres in the forum proceeded to kindly disagree he would pound them with remarks such as (and these are taken completely out of context, it's just the condescending tone I'm talking about):

" Yeah it's a little thing call eating food. You should try it sometime."

"Would like to try the "vampires have already back their claims bullshit again?""

"If you do a little RESEARCH which you vamps are avoiding it like it was the plague, you would know that the type of anemia that is not treatable, is the one that people who are HIV positive! Once again you guys don't like looking for answers so you stick a monster sticker on yourself and be done with it. Wow what kind of lable would I would choose if I never look up infomation about my dyslexia? One eye one horned flying purple people eater?"

He got every assumption he made about them wrong, and continued to demand "tangible" proof that vampyres existed. Everyone, to my surprise, stayed very calm and tried to explain things to him and correct his misconceptions, but he continued to come back with claims that our explanations were vague, inaccurate, or had an alternate explanation that could be explained by any array of medical conditions that he'd "researched."

I honestly wanted to participate in this thread, but his ignorance is leading me to act like I normally would not...and I don't even want to go there.

The thing is--there is not "tangible" proof of everything that exists.  No matter how hard you try, there are not yet scientific instruments that can record energetic or spiritual experiences.  (With the exception being the camera that photographs the aura, but this does not show how the person is actually altering the aura as this man demanded.)  Some vampyres display certain visual effects of vampyrism, such as fatigue if they have not fed for a long time, and evidently there are a good many that exist for sanguinarian vampyres that do not even touch what psychic vampires experience.  (Photosensitivity, anemia, etc.)  But these are not symptoms of some vampyre condition, they are simply effects that vary from person to person, or do not exist at all in some, and can not always be associated with vampyres.  Not all vampyres have anemia, not all anemics are vampyres.  You see?

Vampyrism, when it boils down to it, is an energetic thing a spiritual thing (even the blood-letting kind) and neither can be perceived with the eyes or measured tangibly.

One of the girls in the forum made a very good point, and I'm going to have to paraphrase because it's now 240+ pages long and I can't find it, but she said something to the effect of:  "There are no concrete facts, because we don't know all of the answers ourselves."

Wisest words I've heard all day.  Vampyres are human beings too, and in being, are all different.  Things that affect one vampyre, may never affect another.  Some feeding techniques will work for some and not others.  But most of all, there is no concrete proof, no checklist, to lable someone a vampyre.  And from what it sounded like, if he didn't have this, he refused to believe there was a possibility that there were modern day vampyres speaking to him on that thread.

It's sad, really.  If you go through life demanding proof for everything you wish to believe in.  There is so much that can not be seen or touched that you miss out on if you live this way.

But in the end...he'll leave feeling triumphant, and the vampyres will continue being vampyres.  Proof, or no proof.

So, the moral of the story is:
1. Not everything needs proof to exist.
2. There is no need to "flame" the people who believe something different than you.
3. Ignorance...is not bliss.

]]> http://mheartsm.wordpress.com/?p=30 Wed, 23 Jul 2008 19:41:36 +0000 mheartsm http://mheartsm.wordpress.com/?p=30 The 2nd worst thing that could happen during summer is having 2 cloudy days in a row. The first worst thing is rain during the summer. Except...I have a confession. So a few years ago me and my friends got out in our bathing suits and danced in the rain. Yes, I am a nerd if you havent figure that out yet. But...its fun so if its raining get a move on. Tip: dancing in your clothes in the rain doubles the fun.

Waiting for Rain- not cloudy days,

Mheartsm

Other than the beautiful sermon at the end of the passage, my favorite part is the insight into the disciple's life in the first verse:

"One day Peter and John were going up to the temple at the time of prayer—at three in the afternoon. "

Then they run into a crippled beggar and heal him.  The part that made an impression on me is the fact that they were still following the Jewish prayer routine, and then took opportunity to serve God as it occured. It is a great example of how to live, disciplined living with an eye towards holy interruptions.

In other news, the Times today ran a piece on American indebtedness ("Given a Shovel, Americans Dig Deeper Into Deep")that revolved around the story of a fairly typical middle-aged American woman who ended up with her home foreclosed.  No joke, while I was reading a paragraph on how terrible American credit card debt is, a pop-up came up offering me a credit card.  Being wary of consumerism may not be spiritual, but it is surely wise, because we are ruining ourselves with material things that are distracting from the purpose of life anyways.

One columnist for the Times blamed a cultural shift away from thriftiness (David Brooks). The article hit on a key point that Americans now use purchases as a balm for hurt and depression. I know I feel the desire to buy things when my emotions are hurt, instead of dealing with them with others and with God.  I pray God lets me deal with my disappointments and pain by always seeking Him and community first.

Yeah, neither did I until this past week.

The first sign of problems was on Wednesday when I went to see Yvette and had to rush to the loo very frequently for the sake of just a few drops. I suspected something like cystitis but couldn't see how to fit in a doctor's appointment until after my sister's visit. 

On Thursday, in between wetting my knickers several times and having to change my clothes, I did the last minute jobs with CC and Jay to prepare the guest room and have a tidy round.

My sister and her husband arrived in their 'new' car - a silver sports model - and relaxed with a cool beer.

That evening we had a drawn out meal with lots of wine and chat and went to bed about midnight.

At around 2 in the morning Jay woke me up.

"Come upstairs. Mum, I want you to see this."

I staggered out of bed and followed him up to his room. It was a very strange sight indeed: two tall shelves of CDs had keeled over and knocked the television off its table so that it went through the venetian blind. One shelf unit had dislodged a socket from the wall on the way down.

"Did you hear anything?" asked Jay.

"No, but I was fast asleep." was my reply (and I have been known to sleep through the noisiest of storms).

"Well, it must have made a helluva noise - and I didn't hear anything either." he said. "I just woke up naturally, got up to go to the loo and found this mess."

He was obviously quite spooked to think that this could have happened without him being aware of it. However, we put everything back in place as best we could, propping the shelves up with another table in case they decided to fall sideways again, and went back to bed.

The next morning Jay fixed the shelves to the wall with a bracket and, to our amazement, the television still worked! The blind will need replacing and we'll have to repair the hole in the wall by the socket but it could have been much worse.

When my brother-in-law came down for a late breakfast he announced that my sister had been very sick all night and could he have a bucket and mop please. Oh dear. We must have opened (and drunk!) too many bottles of wine.

Wendy remained 'fragile' for another 24 hours and as Roger was content to stay home and watch the golf I was quite relieved not to have to venture far from the toilet myself.

We did manage a short trip to the supermarket but we were all pleased to get back.

On Saturday Bear was out of sorts so Roger took our car to drive Wendy and CC into town. They went on the ferris wheel and had a look round the shops - a good sign that Wendy was feeling back to normal.

Sadly, they had to go home on Sunday. Wendy brought the bags down and left Roger to load the car. They only had room to bring two bags but there was a third for the return journey. Roger left one behind! Fortunately it didn't contain anything urgently needed for the journey but the next day we posted off his shaver, Wendy's glasses, an inhaler and a book and documents for the car.

She said her slippers, make-up and toiletries could stay behind for their next visit and we could eat the sweets and biscuits!

So, finally it was off to the doctor's on Monday. She agreed it seemed like a urinary infection and gave me a prescription for an analysis but put me on antibiotics straight away.

It wasn't easy to get the sample into the small bottle provided by the chemist. It's bad enough under normal circumstances but when you're either rushing to get there before you 'have an accident' or else struggling to produce more than a few drops, following the instructions for a 'midstream sample' proved impossible.

I had to fill the bottle in three goes; probably not what was intended but the best I could do. It also had to be returned to the chemist before the 'collection' at 11.30.

Today I went to get the results. Yes, they had found unwanted bugs but according to the list of antibiotics these particular little beasties were resistant to the ones the doctor had given me. Today is her day off so I had to see the locum for her partner (as he is on holiday).

He gave me a new prescription but warned me that there could be a bad reaction if I go out in the sun.

Great. After a week of grey clouds and drizzle the sun has finally come out and I'm confined to the house.

I woke up yesterday morning preparing to leave for Atlanta when I heard the news of yet another terrorist attack in Jerusalem involving a bulldozer attacking traffic. Apparently, this is the new weapon of choice for the Arabs of E. Jerusalem. The attacker was shot of course and the attack was less successful than the first one a couple weeks ago.

The sad part of this is that now Israeli's are going to have to rethink the use of Palestinians in construction. There are very few employment opportunities for Palestinians the way it is and construction is the one field where they've always been welcomed. Now, that is going to have to change causing even more hardship on the Palestinians.

It is also going to serve to seperate the two sections of Jerusalem even further. I think up until recently, while the two sides didn't really mix, there was a feeling that Jerusalem in spite of racial/religious differences could live as one. Now, that feeling is eroding at a fast rate. And while Olmert and some other boneheaded politicians would divide the city to make a peace deal, there is no stomach for a divided Jerusalem among Israelis. Jersualem could easily become the new flash point in Israeli-Palestinian tensions in the days ahead. Troops also came under fire in Bethlehem last night.

The trip to Atlanta was good albeit long. I drove down to deliver my nieces and nephews to my brother who met us there and then turned around and came straight back. I was in the car about 14 hours yesterday. Unfortunately, there was little chance for sightseeing. 

I made a pit stop in Nashville on the way back to eat some dinner and do some quick shopping. There is an Earth Bound Trading Company store there and they have the best incense. So I stocked up. Actually, I could spend my whole paycheck in that place. I also bought a cd of Middle East Music and an oil burner that was on sale.

I also met an Israeli in the mall and we ended up talking awhile. I always consider it a good day when I meet an interesting person. The whole experience made me wish I was back overseas though. Actually, this was suppose to be my first week in France and I think I must be compensating for it a bit by buying myself little things that I normally probably would pass on. Oh, well. Time to crack open that cd I bought.

Now for the big concert review.  We left Orlando about 4 ish (you know Marisa is always late).  When we got to Tampa we stopped at the Winghouse across the street from the ampitheatre for some wings and drinks.  Then off to the concert.  We got there just as Sebastian Bach (formerly of Skid Row) was going on.  He looked pretty good for an old guy but the guitar was a little overpowering and I couldn't really hear the songs.  It didn't help that the sun was shining in my eyes and the aforementioned humidity hadn't let up yet.  (Did I mention the Ford Ampitheatre is an outdoor venue).  Next up was Dokken.  I thought they were pretty good and brought up lots of great memories.  The years haven't been all that great to Don but he still has a great voice.  Finally it was time for the headliner, Bret Michaels and his boys from Poison.  I was glad to see Rikki Rocket on drums and good ole CC working the guitar.  Not sure about the bass guy but marisa says sees an original member and I believe her.  Also a few cameos from Big John.  Now Marisa may disagree but I was a bit disappointed.  It was just basically the same show we saw at Universal Mardi Gras.  Just a little longer.  Bret looked great with his new weave and had lots of energy.  It just wasn't anything all that new.  Not sure what I expected.  The guitar solo from CC ( and you know I love me some CC DeVille) was a little screechy and way too riffy.  The drum solo was great but looong.  They both struck me as self indulgent and a good opportunity for Bret to take an insulin shot backstage.  Don't get me wrong, it was thoroughly enjoyable but the show just didn't pop for me.  Had a great time belting out the classic with the girls though.  He played all the faves... Every Rose, Unskinny bop, and Talk Dirty to me.  Plus a few cool new songs.  Overall I'd give the show a B minus.  Here's some pics.  I'll post more when Debbie sends me the ones she took.  I think she got some funny, drunken posturing.  I also took some video but I'm not sure how to post it. 

A blog I read recently asked these questions of its readers, and it was really interesting to read everyone's answers!  We'd like to know more about you, too, so leave a comment with your answers!

1. How old are you? Male/female? Married/single? Gay/straight?
2. How often do you stop by?
3. What kind of posts do you most enjoy?
4. How many blogs a day do you read?
5. What would everyone be surprised to know about you?
6. What do you consider your top-3 online daily must-reads?

We can't wait to read what you have to say!

~Kelli

Dinner tonight is chicken chef salads. I'll cook the chicken this morning so we're not heating up the kitchen later in the day. This salad is a bed of mixed dark greens, cubed chicken breast, and whatever else we are in the mood for--tonight it will probably be a few blueberries and goat cheese, maybe some walnuts. It makes a nice light dinner.

We have a loaded middle-of-the-day today. Library in the late morning, Little Gym class to make up from Monday when we were having the car estimated, then if everyone is still cheerful, we may go out to lunch at a nearby favorite restaurant. This will make a slightly late nap for Caroline, but I think she can handle it.

Darian is so excited about turning six tomorrow! We are planning a special day for him, and we will go out to dinner wherever he likes tomorrow night. So far, he's suggested Panera where he can get a peanut butter & jelly, but I did point out he can and does have that most days for lunch here at home. If that's what he REALLY wants, though, we will go! We'll go to the science museum in the morning per his request. He loves it there and it will be a fun way to spend part of his birthday.

Hope you have a delightful Wednesday!

----------------------------
I have been taken off of flonase and put on Clairtin and
another Z-Pac for a sinus infection. Damn it all anyway.
This will be the second one this summer so far. The doc
says the flonase may be contributing to keeping my
sinus cavities open and inviting infection. So even though
the flonase sprays feel like they are helping, they may not be.
It truly sucks to feel a massive head ache as you sleep.
I gave up at 5:30 and just got up.

I haven't worked since I finished the mom's hair. I don't feel
like looking down for any length of time. I hope to get a handle
on this today and get back to work later today or tomorrow.
I feel like all I do is bitch and moan about my head. I am
sick to death of it. So I will shut up and be back here when
I can talk about something else besides my aching head.

Have a great one.

1. You will pay more than you anticipated. It's not to Alberta levels yet but housing on the prairies don't come cheap. You cannot buy a half-decent house in a good area for less than $200,000 and there are very few in the $200,000-$250,000 range. (Note: This seems exorbitant to me only because we are moving from the Maritimes and not Upper Canada.) Be prepared to loosen your purse strings because it is a sellers market and they are not in a negotiating mood.
2. There are fixer-uppers :)...and there are fixer-uppers :(. We are a fairly handy couple but we abandoned this idea when we discovered that people were asking $250,000 for houses that should have been condemned. We looked at a few homes which could only be improved through the use of a bulldozer.
3. There are no rocks upon which to build your house. This phenomena was described to us as "gumbo" soil and is entirely outside of my experience living on the East Coast and Ontario. Generally when you're buying a home, cracks in a foundation = trouble. However, in Regina they have no choice but to build on soil which expands and contracts constantly. This means that every foundation in the city has shifted at one point or another and features varying degrees of damage depending on age, location and general upkeep. If you want a house without cracks in the basement, you're moving to the wrong place.

All of this is not to say that I'm unhappy with the place we got. We ended up with a cute little place in a good location; it's big enough to suit with lots of good inclusions and only minor work to be done. I really can't ask for much more than that. When I compare it where we are now, I just have to keep reminding myself...sure it's smaller but at least it was more expensive.

Senza parole!!! Ancora peggio!

(comunque il cielo è chiaro e forse dopo la nebbia verrà anche il sole, almeno dicono!)

After Betsy-Tacy I decided to read to her the original Winnie-the-Pooh by A.A. Milne.  This book worked okay, although I left out some sections as I read.  Some of the characters tend to prattle on for a while, and while I could follow it and chuckle at it, it went right over Lyd's head.  She can re-read it when she's older, and she'll get those parts then.  I also left out Pooh's rambling little songs.  As before, each night I read a chapter and previewed the next night's chapter, and again she really enjoyed it.

Last night we finished Winnie-the-Pooh, so we started something new tonight.  Rather than doing a chapter book, I brought out a big hardcover "Book of Bedtime Stories" that I bought at a rummage sale when Lyd was a baby.  It's got lots of classic stories in it, such as Little Red Riding Hood, The Ugly Ducking, Jack and the Beanstalk, The Three Little Pigs, as well as some other stories that I don't know.  I'm excited to begin these kinds of stories with Lyd, as she has had some exposure to many of these stories via her favorite PBS Kids program, Super Why.  However, this show always alters each story a bit; that's part of their shtick: "We've changed the story, we've solved the problem..."  So, I thought it would be worthwhile for Lyd to hear the stories in their (more or less) original form.  Tonight we read The Ugly Ducking AND Jack and the Beanstalk.  (Yes, she suckered me in for TWO stories! :) )  The giant in Jack and the Beanstalk said the original, scary words that I remembered as a child: "Fee Fie Fo Fum, I smell the blood of an Englishman.  Be him alive or be him dead I'll break his bones to make my bread!"  My daughter is pretty sensitive, so I hesitated a bit before reading those words, but then I reasoned that I am pretty sensitive as well, and I turned out okay, so I plunged ahead and made as little deal about them as possible.  One can't sanitize everything in a story!  She seemed to be okay with it, but at the end she said that she liked Ugly Duckling better than Jack and the Beanstalk.  She's already excited to read another story tomorrow night.

I'm trying to think of other chapter books that would be appropriate for an almost-five year old, and I'm looking for suggestions.  If you have an idea, please email me or leave me a comment -- I'd love to hear it!

After breakfast, Rob and I spent a small amount of time and energy doing some housework. Then, I hopped in the shower, got dressed, and headed downtown to meet Robert, Mandy, Ashley and Noah. Robert being my youngest brother, Mandy being the daughter of my softball coach, Ashley and Noah, being Mandy's kids.

For nearly a year, Robert and I have discussed going to Bartlesville to visit Rocky (the aforementioned softball coach). He seemed well, much as I remembered him, only a bit less tan, and no cigarette smoking was witnessed. As we were visiting, I was realizing that I spent quite a bit of my summers with Rocky, Mandy and the rest of the family. It's amazing to look back and remember. Now, Rocky is on the top of the list to receive a liver transplant. He has liver cancer and it is his best hope for survival. He seemed to be doing well, and it was nice to get a chance to see him. I am hopeful we won't wait another 10 years to meet up again.

This evening was fun! Amanda and Julie came over to watch Funny Girl. It was a continuation of the Barbra trend that Julie started last week with What's Up Doc?. I do enjoy a good musical and it has been a long time since I watched Funny Girl. Love it!  Julie did have to sneak home early (a school night for her!), but not before we enjoyed some yummy candy together!

Now, the hubby is home and I think I shall join him back in the bed we crawled out of...just 14 short hours ago!