As this grows, concept of expansion of mind and thought
Sit there, in my hands, the old tablets and behavior
The question asked: the given gifts and judgments
Stigma of birth, hard to let go as they gather
The evidence- my indifference and my anger
To examine, the relations and its state and impact

No different I am to you and yet these credentials
We cannot bring you the peace, just live and witness
As this pain endows upon itself and its mechanics
Of all those questions, and of all those thoughts
Inside me frozen, forever, as I begin to see this world

Around me, around you, to believe, I still have
The old solace, my freedom, in weariness and in trance
Speak you to me when the world has shunned
The old doors of acceptance, the hands of comfort
Hurled inside upside down, my functions and formation
As they examine, in pieces and in fragmented potions

Leave all what you have, still with me the old warmth
As my soul descends from journeys unknown
Leads me this discovery to discovery and enlightenment
Still there someone, to care, as I take those steps
As I hear those voices inside, as I hear those voices outside

Where am I and what is this place
Caged inside a cage and yet they think the need
To imprison my body and hands, out in the open
As I entertain the need to demolish and comfort
Not many understand, that I am like you
Only difference, I understand and you don’t
Of all these years inside my mind scattered
Frozen in time, my hands and existence
Come and dance, I offer you another world!

Kashkin

i've walked holding this package
haphazardly,
forgetting its delicate contents
and shaking it up
whenever the mood hit me,
carrying it upside down
and placing it down
in areas i don't even inspect
because part of me expects
that no matter what the climate or environment,
my life is a contractual agreement
not to be voided until i say so.

when did life get so fragile?

areas of my social web
crafted so beautifully and symmetrically
suddenly
have holes.
people i have walked with, laughed with,
and with whom i have accomplished feats
fall through
and i'm sitting here looking at my feet
wondering when the thin material under me
will break
and why it hasn't done so already
cuz when i look at my mistakes
i see that nothing separates
me from the fallen.

but until that moment when i've fallen,
i'll keep crawling
around the shaky and slippery surface,
praying to God that i won't be too nervous
or scared to enjoy the journey.
i turn around to look at fellow travelers,
those who started with me
only to discover that some have disappeared
while others dodge the gaps in the road,
breathing in fear
and hoping that with the next rising of the sun,
they'll still be here.
we all stop to shed tears
for those who only exist now
in memories of smiles,
and ask the question

when did life get so fragile?

(RIP Jennifer)

Not only are the men's sections 1/5th the size of the woman's (if you're lucky), but the line lacks design-wise as well.  From the "hot looks" section for men, the styling is leaning towards a dressy-sporty look, while only one of the styles show layering without a jacket.

Not only that, but the boys get five looks.  Women get fourteen.  I'm crying injustice, here.

The ladies' line shows a wide range of button up oxford shirts, sweaters, blazers, jackets, slacks, jeans, shorts and shoes.  From the five mens' images (and what I've seen in-store) they have a choice of a few pairs of jeans, slacks, jackets and sweaters. Not only that, but the looks are truly generic and pattern bland.

Come on, Superstore... stop neglecting a large clothing market!

Having said all that I just don’t understand ANYTHING being more important than ones children. **********

• To Jenny, her drinking is more important than her kids.

• To Glenn, his being high on prescription meds is more important than his kids.

• To John, money and his hatred of his ex-wife is more important than his kids.

• To my Mother, her bitterness at the cards life dealt her was more important than her kids.

• To my Sister, her next score of illegal drugs was more important than her kids.

Why do people have children if those children and their importance are disposable? I don’t understand how anyone can consider anything as being more important than their kids.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not one of those people who think that my children are little princes who are perfect because of the mere fact that they are mine. Nope. So it’s not an ego thing with me where they are so perfect that I, and everyone, must genuflect at my children’s feet. Nowhere near that. Just like in life, I am nothing if not realistic about my sons and nephew.

It’s just that I cant think of anything, that if I knew it was in any way negatively impacting my children, that I wouldn’t give it up in a heartbeat. 

Is it that the addicted choose not to see the impact on the children? Is it that they convince themselves that it isn’t having an impact? Or does it truly not matter to them as long as the continued addiction is not impeded in any way? I guess I am just musing. Because I don’t have an addictive personality it is a little difficult for me to understand the NEED for anything if it puts ones children in danger or alienates them.

Don’t forget to visit my site called “I Call Myself A Jerk Magnet!”

http://catharsis.scriptmania.com/ 

And yes, the jerk is still obsessed and pretending to be a “white-trash Women” when he posts comments in my comment forum! I find it amusing. I think you will as well!!!

JM and I have been talking about how upset and angry we got when we found out you committed suicide and left us four kids alone with Dad.  We couldn't understand it.  We got real angry at you.  JM rebelled because she knew about it immediately while I didn't until the end of the 8th grade.

Once JM left, when I was in the 8th grade I went to school authorities and social workers about the abuse the three of us kids were getting at home, they told me to run away.  Can you believe that!  Run away was their advice.  They said keep running away and then a judge would put me in a home.  Well, that didn't help B & J at all.  They wouldn't do that in today's society.

Daddy sent all of us kids out of state to prevent the social services looking into our home situation after I tried to kill myself.  I stayed in the hospital pschy ward for over 60 days then I went to JM.  She told me that Dad had not told the doctors what you had done.  So to both of our thinking, Daddy had killed you Mom.  The anger against both you and Dad became immense because we were the ones left behind with a mean spirited drunk.

Mom, now I understand, but you must know that JM and myself got extremely angry at you.  JM ran off and got married at 15 which left me in charge of a house.  I feel like my childhood and teenager years wore stole from me due to the responsibility of having to grow up so quickly.

Daddy, got so angry at me after you died.  He told me to get in the kitchen and scramble eggs for breakfast.  Something I had never done.  So I cracked the eggs in the bowl, trying the best I could to remove the shells that got in the bowl.  Then I turned the heat on under the skillet.  I put a little bacon grease on the bottom and then poured the eggs in.  Then I waited for them to be done.  I scorched them.

Daddy smelled the eggs, stomping angrily into the kitchen, and wanted to know why I didn't stir them.  He back handed me in the face and JM (still living at home during this incident) ran into the kitchen to try to stop Dad and tell him I didn't know how to cook.  Daddy opened the back door, threw me out of the house into the snow bank and threw the skillet after me.  He shut the door and I wasn't allowed back into the house for quite some time.  Now, all I had on was my pajamas and no shoes.  I got as close to the back door as I could for warmth, crying, waiting for someone to let me in.

Not to long after you died we went before a judge and Daddy told us what to say so we would not be removed from his custody.  So we lied and told the judge how good he took care of us.  We didn't know by telling the truth, we would get some help.  Our fear of Dad was so huge that we all lied.

Mom, this is just a small example of what happened when you left us.  All of us has suffered emotionally.  While I loved you I was also very angry.

I became a Christian and much later in my adult life, I forgave you.  In counseling and teaching women in church, I emphazied how important it is for good mental health.  Where I worked I had the occasion also to help other women.  Maybe this tragedy will help others who feel like they are coming to the an end and keep them from doing what you did. 

I have told many women how your children were so affected because they could not underestand why you would leave them in such dire circumstances.   We all felt abandoned and unloved.

While I don't know where you are eternally, I do know that if you could tell us anything - it would be to trust God with all our hearts, minds and soul.  The message would be the same if you were in hell or heaven.  I hope you made peace with God.  I would love to see you once again. 

You were so loved and I am sorry we were not worth living for.  You should have known what would have happened to us.  You just were not brave enough to leave again and start out on your own like the last time.  Perhaps your sisters wouldn't help a second time since you would always let Daddy keep you under his thumb.

Well, in letter I, I expressed my love to you.  I think it only fair that you understand how we, your children, felt.  You are a good example of failure, of giving up, not fighting, not getting help and out of all us kids I have those same qualities in my personality.  I trust God will help me in these areas to be stronger.

Because since I have forgiven you, I can move forward.

Little girl, out of you siblings you are the one who is gullible, naive and you have a very sensitive nature.  Your  brother was very sensitive while he was real young, but he began turning meaner as he began to grow up especially once he began the 4th grade.  In blogging, from an observer, you are realizing what makes you react and think like you do.  Now you know why you are not as close to your siblings, why they seem to exclude you and why the two younger ones only call you now on occasion.  Your oldest sister went over twelve years before she spoke to you because you made a decision without her knowledge (as an adult) and she didn't agree with it.  Your younger sister didn't speak to you for 5-6 years because your Dad left everything to you when he died and he left them all a $1 in the will.  

Your oldest sister thought since she was the oldest she was born with a crown on her head.  She rubbed it in that she was the oldest and could go places and do things and she was only 3.5 years older.  She always controlled the rest of you kids.  After Mom died it was worse.  She would put you in a barrel that was dirty and had cobwebs and then got on top of the barrel and rolled it over the ground.  It terrified you and you would scream, "Let me Out!  Stop!  Even when she knew you were crying she just continued to roll you.  Every opportunity your oldest sister had she terrified you because she called you a 'crybaby.'  She threatened, hit and smacked you around.  She would grab you and put you in the irrigation ditch and cover you completely with mud except your head and you couldn't get out.  Laughing all the time and hitting you so you wouldn't get up.

Other times she would pin you to the ground by sitting on top of you and put her knees on your arms to keep you from thrashing at her.  Once she pinned you down, she spit on your face turning your head from one size to another.  She spoke to you last night and she asked if you remembered when Daddy was drunk and he had the four of you kids fight on the floor and he wanted you to wrestle and hit each other.

I can observe that scene now for you.  Your Dad kept making you fight and if you weren't hitting each other hard enough he had you hit harder.  You were timid, and did not have the Irish Temper Dad was looking for.  He bragged on how well the others could hit hard, and called you a 'baby.'

It makes sense that after your older sister ran away and got married at the age of 15, which left you in charge at the age of 12.  Your two youngest siblings literally hated you.  Your Daddy would tell you what each of you were to do before he got home.

Your Dad was a weekend alcholoic, but he still was mean during the week, he just was somewhat a little mellowed.  The one thing you are aware of all your life is that you were different from the other three siblings.  They told you - you were adopted. 

{Now some of you might be wondering why this little girl is observing this.  It sounds like it is normal behavior of siblings but this wasn't.  It was an intense, constantly abusive situation with no adult supervision at all.}

By the time you were 12 you knew not to tell on your youngest siblings because they ganged up on you and beat you really bad.  On one occassion, after school, you were trying to get them to do their work and finish it before your Dad came home.  In less than an hour he would be home.  They were watching TV and hadn't done their jobs.  You knew you would get disciplined because they hadn't done it.  The problem was you were only 1 and 2 years older than they were.  

Your brother ran into your bedroom and got your round metal bank and opened it up taking money out and said they would do the work if you paid them.  When you went to get your money, they jumped you and in the fight that pursued they had you on the floor.  Your right hand was in the bank and they pulled it away cutting your ring finger the entire length of your finger.  Then they hit you in the mouth and chipped your tooth.

You ran out of your house and ran to where your Dad parked his car.  He rode the army bus 50 miles away each day.  You got into his car and locked all the doors and hid under the dash on the passanger side.  You kept sobbing because you were in so much pain and so scared because how badly they had beat you up.   This is where your Dad found you.  

This angered your Dad very much and it was one of the last straws.  Not shortely after this incident he sent your brother to a Mennonite Correctional School.  [What did he think was going to happen after he made you all fight each other, again when fighting, you didn't fight back.]

I think now, little girl, you will realize some of the dynamics and why certain behaviors trigger you when you see them in others.

So today, while waiting in the big boss' office for a meeting to begin, the big boss was telling us how he is an ordained minister and he has had a lot of people call him recently and request that he officiate at their wedding. He has told us about other weddings he has officiated and how much he enjoyed it, but today he said it is beginning to demand too much of his attention.

Martha asked him, Well what if one of your kids get married? Will you officiate?

He said "Oh, of course I will!"

Then Bert said "What if a close friend asks you to officiate their wedding?

He said "Of Course".

Then I chimed in with "What if I find the Jerk I want to spend the rest of my life with? Will you officiate?" Then the room erupted in to laughter!  

Don't forget to visit my site called "I Call Myself A Jerk Magnet!"

http://catharsis.scriptmania.com/ 

And yes, the jerk is still obsessed and pretending to be a "white-trash Women" when he posts comments in my comment forum! I find it amusing. I think you will as well!!!

http://catharsis.scriptmania.com/ 

And yes, the jerk is still obsessed and pretending to be a "white-trash Women" when he posts comments in my comment forum! I find it amusing. I think you will as well!!!

By Martin Couper

TWO pedigree dogs were dumped on a farm and left for dead by their cruel owners.

The English Bull Terriers were starved and suffering from a painful skin condition when they were found roaming around by the land owner.

And the terrified pair had lost much of their fur, were covered in fleas and had to be tied to a fence to stop them running off.

It is thought the animals may have been used as fighting dogs before they were abandoned on the farm at West Calder.

Officials at the Scottish SPCA say the dogs are lucky to be alive and are now appealing for help in tracking down their owners.

Stuart Murray, Senior SSCPA Inspector who attended the call-out said: “The dogs had been running around the farm, I suspect that they had been dumped.

“They were in bad order; they were starving and covered in fleas and mange.

“The bitch in particular was severely suffering. She had no hair at all.

“They wouldn’t have survived much longer if they hadn’t been found.”

The dogs are recovering at the SSPCA kennels in Balerno where they are being treated for the skin condition Sarcoptic Mange.

During this time they will be assessed to see if they can be re-homed.

But Inspector Murray admitted that if they were fighting dogs, they would always pose a danger to the public.

He said: “We need to determine whether or not they were used for fighting to determine whether or not they can be re-homed.

“If they are fighters, unless the can be rehabilitated they would have to be put down. We couldn’t take the risk that they would be re-homed and then maul a child or attack other dogs.”

Doreen Graham, spokeswoman for the SSPCA, said that the priority was to give the dogs the care they needed to get better.

She said: “Their skin is infected, swollen and raw and so the dogs are very distressed. It’s a very painful condition.

“The state these dogs are in is through sheer neglect. If it is treated early it is not too much of a problem. It’s going to take a long time to treat now but they are getting plenty of TLC from the staff.”

The SSPCA are appealing for anyone with information regarding the dogs.

She added: “English Bull Terriers are not common and we believe someone in the area will have seen the dogs running around and may know who the owner is, because we believe these dogs have been neglected and we would like to find anyone in the area who has seen them.

“This is a criminal offence. Under the Animal Health and Welfare Act 2006 there is a duty of care for anyone looking after an animal.”

There were 17 separate Child Welfare Services investigations during his short life; each was closed after caseworkers decided he wasn't in imminent danger.

But records show that the county knew the dangers Brandon faced. There were 17 separate Child Welfare Services investigations during his short life; each was closed after caseworkers decided he wasn't in imminent danger.

Brandon's death forced the county to examine its own failings.

“This case is undeniably tragic and very distressing to all of us,” said Mary Harris, who runs Child Welfare Services, a division of the county Health and Human Services Agency.

“Every day we come to work and expect our social workers to evaluate risk and exercise good judgment in difficult circumstances. In this case, the social workers and the supervisor did not make good decisions.”

The county fired two employees connected to the case, including the supervisor, and reassigned a third. It also changed the way it responds to abuse claims.

In addition to the 17 CPS files on Brandon, there were 11 others filed on his sisters. In the months before Brandon starved to death, Social Workers went to his home several times, but no one answered the door. So, they closed his file based on "lack of contact."

This week the Union Tribune also is making documents available in this case. At this site you can listen to the chilling 911 all of Brandon's mother reporting his death, and read the Medical Examiner's investigative report, the Declaration for her Arrest Warrant, and his mother's Probation Report.