I feel a longing when you’re around. I need you in some way I don’t fully understand. It’s true that a day doesn’t pass by without having thought about you. You visit my mind often. I read somewhere that being ‘in love’ and ‘infatuation’ are different ways to classify the same thing. In that case, I am in love with you. It depresses me when you’re around. But also when you’re not.

And here I am now. Writing months afterwards. And it is still true that I think of you every day. And I still long for you. You have left me with a pain that will not go away. I realise now. That the pain will stay.

I stopped talking about you a long time ago. Those who I tried to express my feelings to did not take me seriously . Some tried, (wisely I suppose), to point out I was obsessing. As if I didn’t know. Problem is I don’t obsess in general. I obsess in particular. I miss you. Some have tried making fun of my feelings (whether purposefully or not I don’t know). That hurt. I express feelings that run deep. Perhaps in a passing remark that could be easily missed. Still.

I met someone. Well. Kindar. I had met him, uhm, some years ago. But you know, sometimes feelings take a while then it snowballs on ya. Nothing happened! Acknowledged the connection. It hurt to be able to communicate intuitively with someone where there was no chance of anything happening. And I remembered you. So here I am again. Telling you I love you.

Even though I had an amazing and fun time celebrating my good friend's bachelorette party in Fort Lauderdale the past weekend, I came back cell phone-less to a defective modem in my place.

If you know me, I truly can't live without my PDA-like phone and Internet access. But I don't mean live in the physical sense - I can't do my job without it. I need my phone for calling and interviewing sources, and I need my Internet for the constant fact checking when writing stories.

I just wanted to bring story of my life readers back into the loop after my blog's first break these past few days. More to come on my weekend and my freelance work after I get a new modem tomorrow.

***

Tak bisakah kau biarkan aku menentukan jalanku sendiri? Letih…Sudah…

Τι κάνει την ανθρώπινη ζωή να αξίζει περισσότερο από ενός...καναρινιού;

Οι γονείς μου έχουν ένα καναρίνι. Ποτέ δεν το συμπάθησα ιδιαίτερα για να πω την αλήθεια (I'm a dog person). Ποτέ δεν επικοινωνούσαμε ιδιαίτερα με το... πτηνό. Όποτε του σφύριζα μου γύριζε την πλάτη κα έτρωγε ή έπινε νερό και όποτε έφευγα μου σφύριζε χαρούμενο, λες και το έκανε επίτηδες.

Ωστόσο, όταν εχθές το είδα να σέρνεται στον πάτο του κλουβιού του, με τους γονείς μου να το κοιτάνε απορημένοι και τη φωνή του να μη μπορεί να βγει, δεν μπόρεσα παρά να μπω σε σκέψεις:

Αν στη θέση του ήταν ένας από τους ανθρώπους που ξέρουμε, ακόμα και αν αυτός ήταν ο χειρότερος μου συγγενής (και, πιστέψτε με, έχω μπόλικους από δαύτους), θα είχανε τρέξει, θα είχαν ανησυχήσει, θα είχαν βρει γιατρούς. Για το καναρίνι που αγαπούσαν όπως λέγανε... τίποτα. Μέχρι και εγώ πρότεινα να ψάξω να του βρω έναν κτηνίατρο να το πάμε, αλλά... άρνηση.

Δεν ξέρω ποιό είναι πιο άσχημο: ότι αναρωτιέμαι γιατί η ανθρώπινη ζωή να έχει μεγαλύτερη αξία από ενός πουλιού ή ότι πιστεύω πως αυτό το εκνευριστικό πτηνό που ποτέ δε συμπάθησα με έκανε να θέλω να το πάω στο γιατρό ενώ αν ήταν ένας από τους "ανθρώπους" που με περιτριγυρίζουν ίσως και να μου άρεσε να το βλέπω να σέρνεται στο κλουβί του;

What's more disturbing?

Take your pick.

Ανόητο.

Ξοδεύεις μια ολόκληρη ζωή να φροντίζεις ανθρώπους που όταν εσύ θα χρειαστείς τη δική τους φροντίδα θα μπορούν, αλλά δε θα θέλουν να στη δώσουν και, ίσως μάλιστα ακόμα και να σε χτυπήσουν τη στιγμή που θα βρίσκεσαι εσύ στο πάτωμα και θα κάνεις κύκλους από τον πόνο, και όταν έρχεται η ώρα να φροντίσεις κάτι που για τους δικούς σου λόγους εσύ αγαπάς, χωρίς να περιμένεις κάτι από αυτό όχι γιατί δε θέλει αλλά γιατί δε μπορεί να σου δώσει, δεν κάνεις τίποτα και απλά περιμένεις...

Λες και η ανθρώπινη ζωή είναι εξ ορισμού πιο σημαντική από ενός ζώου.

Γιατί;

Γιατί μπορούμε να μετανοιώνουμε;

Γιατί μπορούμε να κλαίμε;

Γιατί μπορούμε να μιλήσουμε και να κοροϊδέψουμε τους άλλους με ψεύτικες συγγνώμες;

Γιατί μπορούμε να κάνουμε ό,τι μαλακία μας έρθει στο κεφάλι και μετά να τη ρίξουμε στην "κακιά στιγμή" και στο "ανθρώπινο λάθος";

Ή μήπως γιατί μπορούμε να ονειρευόμαστε;

Γιατί, μπορώ να σας πω με βεβαιότητα πως το δικό μου καναρίνι κάνει πιο αθώα και πιο μεγάλα όνειρα από πολλούς εξ ημών.

-------------------------------------------------------

Blackfield - Lullaby ( Kiss the ground/Drag me down/Stop the noise/Smash my toys... )

MAS july 08 gave me a real headache. Ended last Sunday, the july 08 is really something. They are not like other July intake- aggressive and active, they are being passive all the way. The discipline of the batch was a nightmare for someone like me, it might be normal for everyone else. I am the head of facilitators, can't control my anger in some occasions. Sucks to be me- I am being blame by some people who thought that I am only over-reacted. But, being over-reacted is better than being I-don't-care person. When I was the head of discipline for Jan 08, I never really angry with the batch. I can control my anger as well as my coolness on the stage. But, for this batch, I can't control my anger but still, I was cool on the stage. (cool eh!) Besides the internal problem of MAS, I was also damn busy with other commitments, namely SRMUTP and my very own personal problems. Damn!

But, when it ended last Saturday, I know I will miss the memory(duh!). For the first time, people say thank you to me for something I don't think I deserve one. Even I was scolding them on the stage, they still say thank you- before my last speech which was on the closing ceremony. One south african guy came to me and said, "I know what you are trying to do, and I am ok with it". One chinese guy came and said, "Thank you abang". Damn, what the hell I did for them. I like my style so much, because I can avoid people coming to me and be nice to me. But, for this time, I can't avoid that. People thought I angry with them because I care for them. What on earth? But, there were still people try to avoid me all the time during MAS, maybe because they could not stand to me anymore- thats good!.

After the closing ceremony- where I made my infamous confession, there were many people came to me and thanked me- again, I did not deserve them. The sudanese- who was at first quiet upset for they way we treated them, thanked me for being a good leader. What on earth again. After the post mortem, some facilitators came to me and said the same thing which I did not really deserve. I don't deserve any of them. Really, because the MAS july 08 being successfully ended because of people around me, and I am only the one who be the center of it.

Well, again MAS july 08 is something new to me. Headache and tiredness, it closed with some confusion on what I really deserve.

Hopefully my last MAS.

I hate how our feelings could actually get its way without us being able to control nor stop it. I'm sorry, i'm not trying to push you to anyone else just that, i felt your happier and i could actually hear you laugh.

damn, just don't have any mood to finish this post. night guys.

Survive..smpai skrg aku msi x tau apa makna ayat tadi dlm bahasa Malaysia..ada sapa2 bule tlg?..dlm beberapa minggu ni..inilaa qoute ayat yg sgt byk aku dgr dan ingat..Survive bule diintepretasi dlm pelbagai makna..aku tau yg "Life is full of dissapoinments"

..hidup ini bukan sesuatu yg mudah..semalam kenangan, hari ini kenyataan dan besok adalaa misteri..tapi kita perlu bertahan bro..jadilaa spt Oasis yg hidup di gurun yg gersang..Yeah..Dare to Survive dan Dare to Success..Qoute utk minggu ni..Yeah\m/

Post FYP.

8) Hello, my friends. Another week coming to an end already. I'm making it a habit to bring my camera every day to school, because you may never know what you're gunna get. I have this shit idea, of passing my camera around, &let them take whatever picture they wanna take. For example, of themselves, what they are having for lunch, their notes, etc. &then return it to me at the end of the day.

But idk, I find it hard to trust people nows-aday... *shifty eyes* Kids these days are very naughty, &are always up to something sneaky. Like, idk..lock you from outside your toilet cubicle? Idk, you tell me.

8)

I learnt something about myself today from Andy's lecture.

Why nobody else seems to 'catch my attention'. Nobody I see seems to sweep me off my feet. To think I used to be that little annoying girl who ogles at any Tom, Dick or Harry. Makes me think that maybe all that was just an act to fit in the girl crowd, when all that people could talk about, or want to talk to you about, is who's the guy you're crushing on.

"The higher your standards," Andy was saying, "the lesser people you find attractive."

Can you unconsciously have high standards?

I guess when you look at it, the *guys I am attracted to are basically drop dead fuckable. &wow, what a pair we'd make(this is to put sarcastically.) I can't help it. Or can I?

*Actually..there's only one guy la, wtf. Will always be that one guy. I am so fucked up that way.

>

Farid &I were in the bus when this fat-ass secondary school kid with a C-cup boarded the same bus. Farid was saying stuff like, what if people take advantage of her? &I went like, "I would never. Not when she has a face like that." Concluded that(&which had sent Farid guffawing) I'm 89% visual, 11% tactile.

I therefore posted a question to Justine &Kama who were sitting behind us: would you ever take advantage of an ugly person? As in sexually. She was like, "Depends." "Depends on?" "The needs." I would have laughed out loud if I weren't actually on a verge of going into hypoglycemia.

She said something which made a lot of fucking sense: "Normally it's the fugly people who are more willing(to be taken advantaged of). Because they don't get that kind of attention, so when they do, they take it."

I thought about it, &I was thinking, is that it?Am I it? I'm not saying I'm fugly, you're totally missing the point. Hahahah! I'm saying..to justify what I ..had done, it was just because of the attention? The timing? Then that's just sad la:(

Andy's lecture today also pointed out that, we are constantly seeking for approval. When our self-esteem is bruised, we go to all sorts to redeem ourselves. By jumping on the saddle of the horse that had sent us flying through the air in the first place.

Ternyata bener2 beda banget and today I finally enjoy what I am doing as an intern.

Gua ngerasa kalo Tuhan tuh bener2 tempatin gua di posisi yang bener2 pas banget buat gua. Tuhan kasih gua posisi dimana gua musti ngmg ama banyak orang karena Dia tau justru disana kekurangan gua.

Tuhan kasih gua manager yang sabar banget ama gua karena Dia tau kalo gua orangnya perfectionist buanget. ampe hal2 terkecil kecil seupil pun bakal gua tanyain.. bayangin kalo gua ampe dapet manager yang ga sabaran punya.. -.- either dia yang keluar dari kerjaan doloan ato gua yang di pecat doloan -.-

Today was my first day bugging people to do their job. And i must say, it's a pain for them, but hey, it was a blast for me. The funny thing is, everytime I told my boss that I will bug those people who don't do their job right, he puts on an evil smile. hahahaha.. jadi cinta daku sama my boss.

Mustinya besok, hari kamis tanggal 17 July, semua anak2 internship pada ke theme park Great America. Sounds like a lot of fun. Padahal gua nanti2 itu hari dari kapan2.. tapi hari ini, I just turn down the invitation. Why? Because I believe that a good impression is really important when you work.
I want to show my boss, that I'm dedicated to my job. Gua pengen dia tau kalo gua bener2 serius pengen kerja di juniper and I hope he does know....
I really really want to go to the theme park, but for now, i'll just bite myself whenever I second guess my decision not going to the theme park and hope that I will get some kind of reward in the future =)

So yeah, I still got lots to learn, but now I'm enjoying every moment of my internship. Feels kinda sad to leave Juniper in about 1 more month. I really love the environment. But I'm sure that God has a bigger plan than I have. He will control my life. =)

For now, I'll just enjoy every minute of my life at Juniper Networks =D

it seems to me that you're having such a nice time...

Keane - Nothing In My Way

In my life, I've gone through more best friends than boyfriends. More than I can even count, really. I think that's so depressing. I mean, at one point you spend every waking second together and all of a sudden - it's like that never happened. I have utterly terrible at keeping in touch with people, and when I moved from high school to college, I lost just about everyone.

I only have one best friend who has been involved in the majority of my life. Her name is MJ, and we actually did know each other in middle school. We became close, though, when we both went to the Magnet Middle School in our town, while the majority of the other girls from our elementary school moved onto the normal middle school. After 2 years of solid best friend-ness, we had a HUGE falling out in the 8th grade over a boy that she liked, and I eventually dated. Still, we eventually made up and despite being put into different classes in high school (I moved up to Honors classes), we'd still eat lunch together and see each other during marching band practice. Slowly, though, we each made our own friends and MJ became one of my acquaintances, even though we still always called each other "best friends" whenever we had our occasional run-ins.

What's crazy about MJ, though, is her persistence. Despite my inability to keep in contact with anyone, she keeps in touch with EVERYONE. I also go to her birthday party, which happens to fall during winter break so everyone is back in town, and I see people from elementary school. Really, this girl is amazing (and kind of cruel because I end up seeing people who knew me back when I had glasses & braces, and thought it was fashionable to wear my Dad's oversized button down shirts over belly tees... shudder).

Anyway, I guess I just wish I had that ability. To forgive and forget. Or to not do stupid things that cause cracks in friendships. Like the time I ditched my one best friend to go to the popular kids' party. Or the time I got so drunk, my other best friend and his girlfriend had to drive me home. Or the time I dated my bestest best friend and he broke my heart into a million shmillion pieces (also known as: the story of O).

I've also been thinking a lot about reconnecting. The majority of my ex-best friends talk to me casually on Facebook still. Which, while I miss their amazing friendships, I like because it proves that they do not totally hate me. There are 2, however, that are different. Ironically, besides O, these 2 were my best best friends at different and most recent points in my life. And I have not talked to either in way too long.

The first, Batman, I've been thinking about for a while. Batman didn't become one of my best friends for a while, but we actually met in the 3rd grade. In the 9 years that we knew each other, we had a few years of kicking and crushes, some of ignoring and cooties, and the last of pure friendship (and some annoying). I actually wrote my college essay about how our friendship evolved, and how we'd be friends forever. However, we both had decaying relationships during the first year of college, and oddly, that tore us apart instead of bringing us together. I haven't talked to him in over a year.

Italy was my best friend and partner-in-crime for the majority of high school. Also an Honors student, Italy was in a lot of my classes and we had lots of 5 hour phone conversations where we giggled about boys and thought of ways to be "cock catalysts," our version of wingmen where we did the opposite of "cock block." I lost touch with Italy during my extended break up with O. I don't know if she just got tired of my whining, if she was too busy getting drunk at her state school college while I studied for Accounting exams, or if it was the night of drunken debauchery between freshman and sophomore year of college where I ended up sprawled out on someone's driveway sobbing. In any case, we no longer talk. And it sucks because I see her on Facebook constantly, still hanging out with our old crew and having a blast. And it sucks that somehow, I got excluded from that group, just because I had my first heartbreak before all of them.

I guess this post was a little pointless and a little long, but very therapeutic for me. And maybe during the week or so that I'm home in between working in Cleveland and going back to school in Cleveland, I'll call one of them up. Or email. Or Facebook. I just have to work up my courage a little...

Limp Bizkit..antara band2 yg seangkatan dgn Korn, Linkin Park, Deftones dan Slipknot yg memperjuangkan genre yg dipanggil Nu Metal[Rap+Rock]..lama suda x dgr tp tiba2 hari ni tjumpa satu FTP link smua album LB dari 3 dollar Bill smpailaa kpd album The Unbreakable Truth pt.1..mo d dload jga ka?..aku rasa album2nya msi lgi tersimpan rapi dlm cd mp3 aku[pirate btul punya budak>_<]..tapi d sbbkan aku yg tersangatlaa malas utk cari balik CD2 itu, aku dloadlaa dua tiga lagu..n one of my fevret ialah lagu Nookie..bila aku ingt2 balik zaman2 aku tahun 2000..benda2 ni contoh CD, VCD konsert LB Woodstock ni mmg rare dan susa2 mo dpt..ada tu mmg ada, tapi kan lebih seronok kalau tggu member ja yg beli, kita tgl borrow2'an' jalaa..hahaha..

perkenalan aku dgn LB start masa aku ambl diploma d Kolej PTPL..dulu aku byk terpengaruh dgn Grunge..dan masa d kolej, aku ada join band nama lupa suda[haha], vokalis a.k.a member c Syukri yg bertanggungjawab introduce ni album sma aku..jadi LB ni mcm satu culture shock jgalaa sma aku time tue, sbb aku jarang dgr rap..so kalau time jamming lagu LB, mmg attitude berubah abislaa..hehehe..dari grunge jadi Nu Metal..well aku x kisah sgt sbb ni brg pun aku bule masuk dlm kpala otak aku..Nu Metal pun kira mcm the IT Thing d dunia time tue..smua mo dressing mcm Fred durst[aku pun x ketinggalan]..pakai Cap NY[New York wrna merah] pakai kasut Adidas Superstar[kasut aku ori k], seluar baggy, t shirt DC Shoes dan byk lgilaa..hehe..lucu jga..jadi bila aku dgr balik lagu Nookie ni, mmg aku rindu time time d kolej..makanya, bakal isteri aku pun knalaa juga minat n dgr album LB..hehe..syarat tue..

..siap ada giant wallpaper Kate Bosworth lgi..woo..SEXY...zssss..hehe..sgt menarik perhatian..tapi kadang2 kesian jga tgk butik2 yg lain, kadang2 mcm tiada urg mo masuk..ruang kedai punya besar, tapi barangnya sikit..bukan sikit, sangat sikit..mungkin trend bisnes skrg aku pun x tau..tapi lets move on to the next kedai, hampir smuanya mmg aku suda lupa namanya, tapi ada satu kedai yg mnjadi tumpuan..Daiso, sebuah kedai yg menjual peralatan2 dari negara Jepang..mcm2 ada..dari barangan cenderamata, piring, cawan, layang2 smpailaa kepada earphone HP..dan smua barang2 dlm kedai itu setiap satunya berharga RM5.00!!!..x kisahlaa besar ka ndak..ringan ka berat..smuanya cuma RM5.00 shj..hehehe.tapi aku x bli apa2 pun..nxt timelaa..jadi kami pun meneruskan pengembaraan ke kedai seterusnya..Kedai game[masa be'Ria']..sempat jgalaa kami racing kreta

..hehe..dan aku x nmpk pn K-Box d sni, aisemennn..mgkin lum jmpa lgi..nda apa..slow2..nxt time aku round berabis ni mall..tp yg bestnya ada budak cosplay Maid pulak suda d KK ni..

fuyoo sgt daring dan berani dressing fesyen yg hanya ko bule jmpa d Jepun atau Anime Festival..KAWAIIII..kan bagus kalau ada Maid Cafe d KK ni..hehehehe..PERVERT!!!..ok 1 borneo ada 3 tingkat, x termasuk basement..food court tletak d basement,kedai sushi king[btul2 mcm d jepun, sushi pusing2 atas eskelator]..hehehe..pizza hut dia mmg sgt besar,kenny rogers, chicken rice shop, Big Apple[sedap bun diurg ni..n mahal]..McD pun mmg port yg best kalau hangout dgn awek..huhu ada juga oriental kafe[kopitiam?]tpi x gerai mamak daaa..lum jmpa lgi..tingkat yg lelainnya mcm biasala, kedai2 dan butik2..kedai jual game2, DVD, software2 lum ada lgi[mngkin tidak akan wujud]..

dan masi byk lgi kedai2 yg aku x mampu mo taip d sni..hah satu lgi aku mo kestau, parking FREE..kecualilaa ko mo parking tmpt yg ada jockey..mmg kna byr punya..pndai2 laa cari parking..hehe..pendapat aku, 1borneo msi lgi baru..take time bah juga ni kalau mo tgk dia complete sepenuhnya..even CPS pun ambl masa bertahun utk jadi spt yg skrg..yg pasti aku akan dtg lagi ke sni..mo tgk wayang d 1borneo..Yeah\m/

berbahagialaa bagi mereka2 yg punya PC[Personal Computer]yg tercanggih manggih spt gmbr d atas..aku?..hehehe..aku bule bilang yg PC sayang ku ni suda masuk 7 tahun lamanya..hmmm..msi canggih ka?

berkat sponsor dari FAMA, PC ini secara sah mnjadi hak milik bersama, d PC ni jugalaa tmpt aku memblog, mdload movies, mp3, main games dll..inilaa dia spec PC ni masa aku mula2 beli dulu :

Pentium 4 1.6gHz

128MB SD Ram

20GB Maxtor Harddisk

K-World 32MB Ram Video Card..

hehehe..ni kalau djual balik, tiada juga urg mo bli kecuali tokei2 kedai online jackpot yg illegal..aku rasa RM100 pun x lepas..huhuhu..tapi itu spec yg dulu..zaman aku baru mo knal apa itu komputer dan windows ..ni aku bgtau kamurang spec terkini PC sayangku ni..hehe check it out :

Pentium 4 1.6gHz [ini ja yg msi stay d PC aku]

1.25 GB DDRam [Gigabyte geng..bukan lgi megabyte..yeah>_<]

500GB Maxtor harddisk [bulan 8 ni mo tmbh 500GB lgi..tggu PC Fair>_< ksi cukup 1 Terabyte]

Ati Radeon 9550 256MB Ram [gila punya mahal aku bli ni dulu d KL]

aisemen, knapa pula dtg angin kentut aku mo crita psl spec PC aku kali ni...hmm..bukan apa, aku ada frust skitlaa psl byk game2 PC yg ada skrg mmg aku x bule main psl x bule angkat..tlampau berat..game2 skrg mmg cun gila..tapi ko mo tau jga dia punya requirement sblm ko main game ni..aku bagi contohlaa,aku mmg kerigitan mo main game Assasin Creed..knapa?grafik gila babi punya cun..detail lagi..itu smua aku nmpk dan dapat main lepas try game ni d console X-Box 360 member aku punya..kalau gitu bgus bli ja 360..apa susa!!!..ko ingt ni barang murah2 ka..sdg kan PS3 pun harga mo RM3ribu lebih..360 kalau x silap mo Rm1000 lebih jga..dgn tahap kepokaian aku yg tiada tara..jgnkan PS3 dan 360, PC baru pun x termampu mo bli..buat masa skrglaa..

jadi buat masa skrg, PC aku cuma jadi tmpt menonton wayang serta aktiviti2 lain yg suda aku sebut tadi..Game?..hehehe cuma game2 lama ja yg aku main..tapi aku mmg sayang PC aku..knapa?x pyhlaa kamurang mo tau.."Biarlaa Rahasia"..makin lama aku dgn PC aku ni..byk benda aku tau..kita jgn cuma tau guna ja...msti pndai kasi maintain sma dia, jaga dia bagus2..maintainence ni "AMAT PENTING SEKALI" apabila kamurang mo mendownload 24/7...contohnya pasang Hard disk cooler pd Harddisk, pasang cooler d tmpt2 strategik agar ada pengaliran udara yg baik dlm CPU[CPU kalau slalu panas mmg cepat rosak]..slalu kasi bersih CPU dari kotoran dan debu habuk..dan byk lgi tips berguna kalau kamurang google d internet..

aku rasa antara cara termudah utk aku dpt satu set PC tercanggih dan termahal d dunia ialah apabila Sejuta dollar btul2 jatuh dari langit dan landing depan ruma aku..hahaha..mustahil ka ndak?..jadi sama-samalaa kita berdoa ia bukan sekadar fantasi semata..Amin>_<

My brain in a mess.

I'm tire.

Laugh out loud. I am a freak. Slap me. Sue me. Hate me. Marry me(Farid had). Roll your eyes at me(Zaf does). Stare blankly at me &go, the hell, Lela?

Oh ya. I'm such a muthafucking liar. Please don't believe anything I said =) Translation: please, PLEASEEEEEEEEEEE see right through me =( &then ask me again. Don't make me spell it out for you.

Here is Lela Ismail at 2freakingAM. Been warned.

I think Jenny is gorgeous:)) Maybe I'm biased la. Cause I love the way she shrieks my name when she spots me from far. Yup, I'm definitely biased to people who..can pronounce my name... ......

I had a 'plan', but Andy ruined it when he asked my group mates if he could 'borrow' me for 5minutes. It was 3.30pm &we were at the Eplaza doing our shit. I was like Looking at him like, "NO, Andy, let's meet at 5 like we said so." I was trying to make faces at him without my mates getting suspicious.

Of course he didn't get the hint. But it's awright la, whatever. Haha. Later I confessed, "Actually, I wanted to meet at 5 so that _ _ __ _ _ ___ ___." He was like, "Alamak! Tell me earlier next time so I can coordinate with you! Haha!"

FAIL!!!

But aiya, nevertheless today had been productive. Oh. YESTERDAY had been productive. NOT talking about the community health nursing presentation, please. We're still at nowhere? How the fuck did Eve's group do it, seriously. ^tears flowing fiercely like waterfall^

-

Studied after 'school' with Farid &Kim. At AMK library the first hour, before Farid left(for very lame reasons). &then Kim &I were kicked out of the library at 9pm, so we headed to Macs &studied till 11pm. Ah, forever on la, them girls. Haha, love. Eh..Idk why the sudden drive. Oh I think it developed from Fear &Anxiety, in my case. Two things when sum together make a real good punch in the face. (Idk what I'm talking about here.)

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A bus got in our way when we were gunna cross the road... We being fierce girls(Farid physical, Lala verbal), almost kicked the back of the bus(missed) and muttered vulgarities at it.

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I found out I remember what I study better when I verbalized it out loud in malay?

HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH.(k..STRONG reaction there!)

The 3of us were going on about the steps of the resuscitator function tests; Farid was going on in english. I stopped her saying, "Please repeat, but in malay please? I don't understand." Kim &Farid were like, "WHAT??? WE always stand by dictionary.com everytime we read YOUR blog &here you're saying you don't understand english?" (They are exaggerating, I believe.)

They still went on in english, so I ended up repeating after them the steps but in very broken malay. I UNDERSTAND &RECALL BETTER THAT WAY. Of course, most of the time what I managed was 80% in english.

I wanted to translate "compress the ventilation bag". "Memicit...itu... what's ventilation in malay?"

"Pernafasan," Kim said.

I laughed out loud. I'd never thought of THAT! We concluded that Ai Kim's malay is way better than mine..could ever be.

Then next I cracked my head trying to figure what bag is malay is......... Then I was like, "OH bag is still BEG. B-E-G! ..or is it burk."

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Best joke: Ai Kim was testing me the contraindications for ETT intubation(layman's term: a tube going through your mouth down your windpipe to aid you in breathing &you here being totally unconscious).

I got her previous question right, so I was extremely confident about this question. &then I realized, eh..I knew this... But of course, I didn't. Not at that time, at least.

"I know this," I was saying.

She was trying to steer me to the right answer. Apparently I wasn't very convincing hor. "Where does the tube go?" she prompted.

"The mouth."

"So it should not be done on patients who?"

"Have no mouth?"

I wasn't trying to be funnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy, just for the record. (Good, cause it's not funny ha-ha.) But since she laughed, I laughed also lor.

The answer is patients with oral trauma.

"I knew that."

I didn't look to see if she believed me.

-

I was examining my left hand, to see any spaces left to doodle on with black pen. Then I remembered my pinky finger... I showed it to Kim, asking if she could see anything..abnormal?upon inspection. She said no. My face fell.

"You don't see like a scar? Right here?" I pointed to a barely visible sad scar with a pencil. She still said no. &she was beginning to look at me queer..(a norm.)

I am sad. As in pathetic. Idk. The ant bite I got as a result of lying on the grass next to you, &then the scar it left behind(at least, for a couple of weeks)..idk, it's like a sweet reminder of you. The only thing I had left of you? It's as if to tell me, to comfort me, that there was once you &I. Which is enough for me. Like, hey that night happened - we, happened. &I have a stupid scar to prove. Ah wtf I still feel the loss, &occasionally the pain.

There’s pain from two loves. The one I had. The one I’ll never have. I don’t know which hurts most.

Past love hurts because just when you thought you're ok, you're not &it gets to you when you're down but it doesn’t hurt more than any other ‘fact of life’ hurts it’s just part of the way things go. You just have to wait for it to pass. The love I desire, the one I'll never have, hurts because it attacks my ego. But that will pass as well.

I wanna fall in love la! &though I should hope myself capable of falling in love again, will it ever be as it was? I doubt it. I am still very young but have passed the age of such emotions, I judge. May I prove myself wrong. May I fall in love again only to add another piece of (eventually) detached pain to the underlying fabric of my emotional world. I can’t justify this to myself but I feel that if I don’t practise my (dormant) capacity for erotic love any time soon I might never be able to practise it again and that will be sad.

I stood in the rain

Packed up and ready to go

My tears are falling again

Its because of you

Will u call me when u get there?

Will u miss me every day?

Cause i’ll be waiting here at home

Till u knock on my door again

Baby, Please dont say goodbye

I love u too much

Just to let u fly

I need u to be my only one

Even if you’re a thousand miles

Away from here

Away from here

(Song by Ten 2 Five)

***

 Hari ini kamu berangkat. Toku hanarete itemo itsumo kimi no sobani iteyaru kara.

Ξυπνάς μια μέρα και συνειδητοποιείς πως όλα γύρω σου έχουν αλλάξει. Και τότε πρέπει να διαλέξεις ποιούς θα υποστηρίξεις εσύ - δίπλα σε ποιούς θα πολεμήσεις και ποιούς θα ξεγράψεις.

Η φιλία είναι ο πιο μεγάλος πόλεμος.

Όπως κάθε πόλεμος, έτσι και αυτός έχει νικητές και χαμένους, ζωντανούς και νεκρούς και στο τέλος κάθε μάχης μετράς τους δικούς σου νεκρούς - όχι με αριθμούς, γιατί ο πόνος δε μετριέται ποτέ σε αριθμούς.

Κάθε κίνησή σου, κάθε μάχη στην οποία κατεβαίνεις και κάθε μάχη που αποφασίζεις να μη δώσεις, έχει ένα αντίκτυπο. Στον πόλεμο άνθρωποι πεθαίνουν. Στη ζωή, φιλίες σβήνουν.

Πρέπει να ξέρεις, δε, πως πάνω απ' όλα, στη φιλία και τον πόλεμο, όλα τα πράγματα έχουν τις συνέπειές τους και αυτές σπάνια είναι θετικές.

Στη δική μας περίπτωση, να ξέρεις, πως η συνέπειά σου, θα είμαι εγώ.

Δεν ξέρω πόσο θα σου στοιχίσει πραγματικά τώρα, τώρα που η μάχη σε βγάζει νικητή, αλλά το πιο σοφό πράγμα στη ζωή και το θάνατο είναι πως το μέλλον είναι άγνωστο σε όλους. Η νίκη δε σου χαρίζει τον πόλεμο, και οι παλλίροιες πάνε και έρχονται συνεχώς.

Και όσες ανεξαρτησίες και αν κηρυξεις, όσες επαναστάσεις και να κάνεις, όσα λάφυρα και να βάλεις στο συρτάρι σου... ο πραγματικός νικητής είναι αυτός που έχει τις λιγότερες πληγές.

Και, το πιο ειρωνικό κομμάτι του πολέμου και της φιλίας, είναι ακριβώς εδώ: ότι όταν νομίζεις πως έχεις κερδίσει, οι πληγές δε σε αφήνουν να κοιμηθείς.

Και τότε δεν υπάρχει κανένας να στις περιποιηθεί.

Γιατί εσύ είσαι ο αδιαφιλονίκητος νικητής, αλλά τελικά - με τα σκοτεινά όπλα και χρυσά τώρα που ο ήλιος δεν τα κάνει να αστράφτουν περήφανα και με την εκκωφαντική ησυχία ανάμεσα στους διαδρόμους - πες μου πραγματικά, άξιζε;;

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Music to listen to while counting your casualties

Madrugada - Whatever Happened To You? ( I can't believe your heart/ there's something wrong with it/ Whatever happened to you? )

Tracey Thorn - Easy ( We need reminding why/We try, when we try/Do we just intend to try? /And that's broken and sad/ Still the only thing we have... )

Somehow, this picture made me experience certain feelings i could never explain.

the way there's nothing but the abyss beyond the island of light.

Fuck it.

Rasanya begitu cepat. Kamu datang begitu tiba-tiba, mencairkan kebekuan yang menyelimuti selama ini. Kamu tidak secantik bidadari, namun ada sesuatu yang memancar dari wajahmu melebihi kecantikan itu sendiri. Sesuatu yang membuatku selalu terbayang akan keindahanmu. Kamu ramah kepada semua orang, sehingga hati ini selalu merindu kehangatanmu. Kamu misterius, ketegaranmu menghancurkan rapuhku. Membuatku sadar akan tujuan hidupku. Kamu...unik.

Dan kini...setiap bangun tidur dan sebelum tidur, hati ini berdesir hanya menunggu telpon atau sms darimu. Aku ingin menjadi orang pertama yang kamu lihat saat membuka mata dan orang terakhir yang kamu lihat saat kamu menutup mata.

*** 

Un search pe Google dupa versuri si o descoperi de ce am nevoie de atentie si de afectiune, de ce sunt dependent de astea si de ce sunt niste goluri care se vor umplute de altii, la intamplare, oamenii care imi plac. Ma straduiesc de ceva timp sa controlez nevoile astea si sa le redirectionez. Prietenii mei ar putea sa imi furnizeze (ca la magazin) atentiile/afectiunile astea insa nu imi iese.

Povestea o scriu singur de 3 ani incoace si ultimele luni au devenit o prapastie din care nu mai gasesc scara care ar trebui sa ma ajute sa ma ridic. Nu ma cunosc indeajuns insa imi stiu nevoile si limitele: ma enervez rar, ma straduiesc sa nu fiu impulsiv si imi iese, am nevoie de stabilitate sentimentala in viata mea ca sa imi desfasor cu brio celelalte activitati. Lipsa de "tine" in ultimele 5 luni m-a adus in vartejul in care ma aflu acum.

Incerc sa completez portretul. Stii cum iubesc eu? Andreea Balan - Fara tine nu sunt eu. Stii cum sufar? Britney Spears - Everytime. Putin imi pasa de prejudecatile legate de artistii astia. Piesele astea m-au daramat cu realitati pe care le-am acceptat greu. E greu sa reunosti ca ai nevoie de cineva sa fii fericit cand asta ar trebui sa tina de tine. Fara tine nu sunt eu, nu pot visa, nu pot zbura, nu-mi face bine, m-ascund in mine. Everytime I try to fly, I fall without my wings, I feel so small, I guess I nedd u baby. I see ur face it's haunting me.

Daca pana acum, atunci cand treceam peste o persoana, peste o relatie (sau un inceput de relatie) imi doream sa trec si sa scap de asta, de data asta e altfel. E prima oara cand e altfel. Nu vreau sa trec peste asta, vreau sa raman aici insa mi-e frica. Sunt speriat si cand timpul si banii o sa imi permita, o sa inlocuiesc iesirile in oras cu vizite la psiholog. Am nevoie de asta, o simt. Am nevoie de tine, o simt.